How Can You Be So Cruel To Your (Narcissist) Mother?

“How can you be so cruel to your mother?” I have heard that so many different times in my life. Until I realized my mother is a narcissist it always had the desired response – it made me feel guilty for not loving my mother and treating her how mothers are supposed to be treated. After all, we are taught that our parents, our mothers especially, are to be treated with the utmost respect and love. That we should go out of our way to help them. Why couldn’t I feel that emotion for MY mother?

I understand and agree with the concept of respecting our parents – to a point. Until my dying day, I will not ever expect a child of a narcissist to live completely by that rule. I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother and have lived the life. I have survived it but not without many scars. Oh, the scars aren’t visible. They can’t be seen as dark spots on my body. They are dark spots in my soul.

Narcissists Have Two Faces

Narcissistic mothers are charming and sneaky. In public, they behave like typical doting mothers. Putting on a show – see how much I love my children? The community sees the perfect mother. The monster is in the home. The monster lives in the house.

Behind closed doors, life is completely different. There are two types of narcissistic mothers – engulfing and ignoring. Neither is better than the other. I like to think the ignoring type is better only because I experienced the engulfing version.

My mother saw me as an extension of herself. I was not an individual person with a right to my own thoughts and ideas and likes. I grew up thinking I was evil because I didn’t enjoy John Wayne movies. They were her preference so I was supposed to like them. I was made to feel “wrong” because I was different.

Nothing I did was ever good enough. I strove for perfection just to feel loved and got none. My father himself had a narcissistic mother so it was hard for him to show emotion. He was not demonstrative. We had to try to get any attention we could from my mother.

Oh, she was willing to give it – for a price. That price was our lives. Our independence. Our dignity. She would give us attention only if we returned the favor twice over.

The Only Way To Deal With A Narcissist

The only way to deal with a narcissist is to not deal with the narcissist. Yes, that’s what I said. Let me repeat myself. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to not deal with the narcissist. For me, that meant to completely cut ties with my mother.

Some people try limited contact but I have found that limited contact is not possible. Any contact encourages her to try again to pull me under and control me, to make me be an extension of her again. My only option is to cut all ties. No email, phone calls or personal interaction at all. My health depends on it now.

Most of her siblings, my aunts and uncles, still cannot understand how I can cut my mother out of my life cold turkey and not feel an ounce of guilt or responsibility. They never got to see the monster. She didn’t exist in their life. The monster existed in my home, in my life.

I have tried to explain to a couple of them the situation and where I stand and why. But it’s like talking to a brick wall because they only saw the mask. They saw the perfect costume of the loving mother who would bend over backward and do anything for an ungrateful child.

I Have To Do What Is Best For Me

But this is MY life. I have to do what’s best for me. What other people think of me is their business. What I think of me is mine. I understand what I am doing. I know it is done in my best interests.

Many times over I have cried on Mother’s Day because I DIDN’T have a nice mother. My mother wasn’t the kind I wanted to go shopping with and do things with. I didn’t have a mother I could confide in.  Anything she was told became fodder for gossip or used against me at some point. You couldn’t consider my mother “normal”.  I would have been happier having no mother.

So when people still ask, “How can you be so cruel to your mother,” I don’t bother trying to explain. They could never understand. I don’t have an answer they will ever understand. It’s easier to just shrug my shoulders and walk away. I would love a better way to deal with it. For now, I guess I’m just satisfied that I no longer feel guilty for my decision.