A fresh red line runs down a creamy white runway. Straight. Clean. Pure. Bright scarlet is a stark contrast to the soft pink flesh.

Moving the blade just a little to the right another line bursts forth. Red, the color of pain. Red violates the purity of the skin that surrounds it.

The blade catches the dim light in the room and a shimmer reflects in my eye. I don’t feel enough release, so I slide the blade yet one more time.

The pain of the blade is dull compared to the pain inside that I’m trying to cut out. Pain that I’m trying to be rid of. The pain that has become unbearable. I welcome the sight of the blood escaping to the surface.

The Blood Symbolizes Pain

The blood symbolizes all the hurt I feel inside.  All the angry words thrown at me unfairly are within these droplets of blood. The blood holds all my feelings of not being lovable, of not being worthy enough for anyone to love me.

The blood forms an ugly stain on my skin. Like me. An ugly stain on this earth that should be washed into oblivion. There’s no place here for me. I don’t belong; don’t fit in. I try to be like everyone else. Why are they loved? What makes me so different? Why can’t anyone love me?

The pain in my heart is too heavy for tears to release. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many nights. The tears can’t ease the pain anymore. I’m not worth it. My life isn’t worth it.

Nobody understands. I feel so alone. Nobody is there to listen to me. All I want is somebody to hold me, and dry my tears, and tell me that the pain ends, the pain will go away.

I have a towel to wipe the blood away. I have a wet cloth to clean up the stain on my skin. After sticking on the bandages I hide the blade again for next time. I’ve released enough blood, enough pain, to have some relief.

I’ll sneak back into my room and hide back under my blankets on my bed.

Maybe I’ll sleep tonight.

PLEASE:

If you relate to this post, if any of this struck a chord within you, please seek help for your feelings. Even if you haven’t begun cutting.  Especially if you HAVE begun cutting.  Or if you are feeling depressed, or unworthy, or that life isn’t worth living.  Please know that every life is worth living.  Even if you haven’t found your reason yet, there is a big reason you are living at this time.

Talk To Someone

If you are religious talk to your religious leaders about counseling.  If you are not religious talk to your health care provider about talking to someone.  Talk to a best friend and ask for advice and help.

There are hotlines that can help.

Cutting isn’t the answer.  Curling in a ball under your blankets isn’t the answer.  Locking people out of your life isn’t the answer.  PLEASE seek help from someone if you are feeling any of these things.  Let your friends and loved ones help you.