In the past few days, I’ve had conversations with different people about boundaries. It made me realize how many people don’t know how to set or maintain healthy boundaries. (Or even realize they have a right to set them!)
I feel that learning to set boundaries should be actively taught when children are young. However, I think it may be hard for parents or teachers to teach a child to say NO to something when they also have to allow the child to set boundaries against them.
Too many people think of boundaries as rules against others. Rather, they are “if-then” statements for our own lives. A boundary can’t stop the actions of other people. It merely states what OUR reaction (or lack of a reaction) will be if they perform a certain action.
Boundaries are not intended as punishment. They are merely a tool for our own self-care.
For example, if I want to spend between 2:00 and 3:00 every day writing without interruption, I will set a boundary of “no phone calls between 2 and 3”. This means I will shut my phone off between these hours. Anyone choosing to cross this boundary that I have set will still be able to call me at 2:28. But they will not get an answer. If my phone is off I won’t even know they called.
The “if-then” statement of this boundary is this: If you call between the hours of 2:00 and 3:00, then I will not answer your call. This boundary did not prevent them from calling. They were free to call a hundred times in that hour if they chose to do so. It didn’t punish them for calling. It merely stated that you would not respond and they were only wasting their own time.
Some boundaries are more clear and easier to set and maintain. Others fall into a gray area in our minds and sometimes we don’t realize we can and should set boundaries.
In my life, there is a very good example of this hard-to-set boundary. At one point in my life, sleep was very erratic and I took it whenever I could get it. Therefore, I asked all my family members not to call me, but rather to email me so my phone wouldn’t disturb some much-needed sleep. I didn’t want to shut the phone off completely so it would still receive emails and text messages which I could review when I awoke.
One family member felt that this boundary did not apply to her and she would call multiple times a day. If I finally resorted to shutting my phone off completely, she left multiple voicemails with the same short message: “call me”.
Even more frustrating was the fact that when I did take a call or called her back, her news could have been sent in a short, quick email. It was things like, “Did you know “X” had her baby?” or “I just found out “Y” is really sick.” But then she would go on to share gossip and rumors as long as she had me on the phone.
When it is a close family member, it’s hard to set a tough boundary, but sometimes it’s necessary. This was such a case. Although I repeatedly tried to explain why I didn’t want calls it fell on deaf ears. I suggested that if she didn’t want to send an email herself, she could talk to someone else who could get the information to me in an email. It didn’t matter. She didn’t want to hear it.
What was I to do? To make an exception for her would do a number of things: it would put my physical health in jeopardy from sleep deprivation, it would undermine my mental health and cause me to feel that I didn’t deserve to set boundaries, it would encourage her to repeat her thoughtless behavior, and it would cause her to feel that she didn’t need to respect my boundaries.
Ultimately, I valued my mental and physical health over my relationship with her. I blocked her calls and voicemails. She still had the option of email and I answered her emails when she sent one. But, rather than recognizing and respecting my boundary, she preferred minimal to no contact.
Boundaries with family and friends are one thing, but what about strangers? One of the ladies I spoke with recently about boundaries wasn’t concerned with family members or people she knew. Her issue was social media and online presence on public platforms. It needs discussing too.
Boundaries demand respect in order to be successful. Anyone knowingly crossing a boundary shows blatant disrespect and unkindness toward the person setting the boundary. Unfortunately, there are many people who trample on the boundaries and feelings of strangers on the other side of the screen and keyboard.
Bullies, trolls and other mean-spirited people hound those who post to blogs or websites, or even have a large following on social media platforms. Either they forget (or don’t care) that the author is a human being with the same feelings as everyone else, and words hurt.
Some people have said, “well, if you put it out there you should expect it to happen.” While it’s true that we can’t stop the actions of unkind people, but we can prevent further abuse (and it IS abuse) by deleting the reaction or comment and its author.
Then comes the argument, “you just can’t take criticism”. There’s a big difference between criticism and bullying. Criticism is intended to give constructive feedback for adjustment in the future. There isn’t a hurtful tone to the words.
Bullying and trolls intend to generate a negative reaction. The intention is to cause hurt. A comment such as “your ears are too big so you don’t know what you are talking about.” is nothing more than bullying. There is nothing helpful about this statement.
How about the response, “If you don’t want the trolls why do you post for the public to see?” This is another common reaction I’ve heard. The answer is obvious to those of us who are content creators. It is our hope to reach and encourage as many people as possible who might benefit from what we are sharing. To do this, we have to post publicly and allow it to be shared.
“You have to have a thick skin if you put yourself out there.” Why? Why is our world so full of people who rub their hands with glee when they can throw a dig at, bully, or butt heads with someone they disagree with? Furthermore, why should anyone take it?
If you host an open house, graciously allowing strangers to view your home, should you be expected to allow them to say vicious things, attack you or put down your choices? If someone behaved this badly, would you invite them a second time or w0uld you see them to the door at the first sign of poor behavior?
Our webpage, blog or social media accounts are no different. In making them public we share a part of who we are with anyone who bothers to stop in. If your home, or online presence, is not to their liking they are expected to quietly back out and never return for the benefit of both parties.
Respect is an unwritten boundary. It shouldn’t have to be stated outright that you will be blocked or banned and your activity deleted if you are disrespectful. Nobody should expect someone to take disrespect or abuse silently. Disrespect and abuse are crossing boundaries.
If you are a content creator who posts publicly, you may very well express your boundaries just as publicly. Those who would condemn you are likely the ones you will be banning and/or blocking in the future.
People will never completely stop being cruel. Unfortunately, there are some who take pleasure in causing others pain. We can always choose who we allow to occupy our thought and who we give attention to. We can set healthy boundaries.
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