Let’s talk about a trauma bond. It’s a little off the main road of my recent posts, but anyone who has followed me for any length of time knows that I can veer off the beaten path at any given moment. These posts are usually about what’s most prevalent in my life when I feel like writing.
And right now I’m seeing a couple of people dealing with a trauma bond. Anyone unfamiliar with trauma or abuse may not understand trauma bonding and what it means. Someone still in the cycle of abuse will tell you it’s love.
A trauma bond is not love. Trauma bonding is what happens when an abuser takes their victim on the roller coaster of abuse and positive reinforcement. It’s a vicious circle that the victim becomes accustomed to.
(For ease of writing and understanding, I will use a male for the abuser and a female for his victim. However, it is understood that either gender can take either role in life.)
The “sweetening” at the beginning of the relationship sets the stage for the abuser. Everything feels so perfect and beautiful. He sweeps the victim off her feet. He tells her everything she wants to hear, makes grandiose plans for their future together and buys her affections with expensive things and larger-than-life gestures.
When the first sign of abuse appears, she finds reasons to justify it. He apologizes profusely and makes up to her in big ways. And thus begins the deadly trauma bond cycle. It is this trauma bond that holds this relationship together. She thinks she’s in love. He does everything he can to make her think she is in love, all the while feeling nothing but contempt for her.
This is the pattern for the relationship. She feels sorry for him and all he’s been through in his life. (More than likely he’s told her how horrible his life has been until now.) As her heart melts, his is covered with ice.
The ebbs and flows of this “relationship” will be a roller-coaster from hell. She will go out of her way to try to please him, to make up for all the things that make him angry. But, no matter what she does it doesn’t appease him. And he abuses her. He breaks her down emotionally. He traumatizes her, over and over and over.
At some point, this relationship will end. Either she will open her eyes to the truth of what he is and find a way to leave, or he will realize he’s worn out his use of this victim and move on to someone new. Even if she leaves, she may still feel that she cares for him. It’s just that somehow common sense broke through the blinders the trauma bond placed on her eyes.
So, if you recognize yourself, you are probably wondering how you break the trauma bond. First, cut all ties. You need distance to keep the blinders off. The abuser keeps the bond in place by continually trying to “love bomb” you. Even after the relationship is over, you may be tempted to “spy” on him or her. It’s not worth it. Delete phone numbers, and email addresses and block social media accounts. Completely erase them from your life if at all possible.
Keep a journal and have a friend on call. When the urge to reach out to him hits, write down your thoughts or call a trusted friend. Resist any temptation to have any contact with him.
Keep a journal of events for your own record. It can help you see your progress as you move along. Mark down your ups and downs. Note the days you want to reach out but you don’t. Make notes of any contact he makes that you ignore or refuse. The longer you go without contact, the easier it will go. After a year you can look back and see how much further apart the days are when you wanted to contact him.
Seek therapy. Counselors are able to recognize a trauma bond and know how to help pull you through and out of it.
Be gentle with yourself. You may be tempted to beat yourself up just as he did. He worked hard to teach you that you are not worthy of life or equal treatment. Work just as hard to retrain your thinking. You ARE worthy.
A trauma bond is not love. But you can love after you break the trauma bond. Be good to yourself.
Discover more from thewriteempath.com
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.