When Friends and Family Are Toxic Supporters

I have spoken much this year of abusive spouses and toxic relationships. Not only is this topic dear to my heart, but it seems to be more prevalent these days. However, in these situations, the spouse may not be the only toxic person in the victim’s life. Family and friends can also be poison.

Again, the abusive one can be either male or female, but for the sake of ease in writing, I will refer to the abuser as a male. In other posts, I have explained the typical story of abuse, the cycle and the patterns of repetition. What I haven’t mentioned is that sometimes the abuser doesn’t work alone.

In every case of abuse, the victim is mentally berated to reduce her self-esteem. Abusers have little self-worth of their own. Lazy and cowardly, the only way he knows how to make himself feel good is to put someone else down. The victim often feels she has no way out of this situation. Neither does she believe she deserves it. He has convinced her she has no worth.

Toxic Supporters

It’s hard enough to be in a constant battle with your spouse or significant other. But, when other family members and friends join in, it feels insurmountable. I have witnessed this in different circumstances. Sometimes, it’s the victim’s own family who turns against her, not understanding the full truth of the situation.

Family on both sides of the couple will want to defend their immediate family member. While this is not only understandable but commendable also, there are still boundaries which should be respected. Relatives or friends of the victim should never put down the abuser, even when the victim herself does. Alternatively, relatives and friends of the abuser may not even know or recognize he is abusive. Therefore, they should also keep unfriendly thoughts about the victim to themselves.

No separation is ever easy and smooth. But there are so many more complications when the relationship has been abusive. When the victim escapes finally, the abuser knows he has lost control. The resulting loss of self-worth throws him into a state of anger.

Each Paints A Biased Picture

Both sides will paint a picture of their version of the story to their friends and family. Neither will want to admit guilt. However, in most cases, the abuser will not only refuse to take any responsibility for his actions but will work diligently to avoid others from showing support for the victim. He will put her down and tell everyone who will listen how awful she has been. He may plaster her secrets and faults to the world to garner hatred toward her. Even if the words are not a lie, they are often exaggerated to make the victim appear to be a horrible person.

And this is where the other toxic people come in. Instead of remaining neutral, some people feel a need to interject their personal opinion into the situation. Many times it is the family of the abuser who doesn’t want to face the fact that their relative has a mean streak. Throwing verbal darts at the victim soothes their ego and makes them feel superior. It also makes them look petty.

Sometimes it is the family of the victim who has often witnessed the actions of the abuser against their loved one. For years they held their tongues and kept their opinions quiet out of necessity. Now that she is no longer under his control, they may feel relief at being able to say all the unkind things they had been holding back. They also are wrong in their actions.

Toxic Support Is Not Helpful

Neither is helpful, necessary or kind. It is not supporting a loved one, although it may seem so. It is mean and cruel. Abuser or victim, both are still humans. At one point these people were happy together. Condemning the other nullifies the few good memories that may be left.

Relationships are intricate and confusing. Breakups are even more so. Each party tells their version of things with a personal bias. It is natural and expected. While we all may want others to hate whomever we do, it is not a morally right thing to do. Instead, we should practice being non-judgmental.

Supporting a loved one during a breakup is admirable. Judging and hating others for the sake of someone else is wrong. Unless there is a personal reason to dislike the person [and if this is the case, it’s time to sit down together alone with open hearts and try to talk it through and understand both sides], we should do no more than to build up the one we love. Give him or her our time and attention instead of focusing on the other party.

What we should not do is interfere. Both sides are hurting. Attacking when they are down is a cowardly thing to do. We do not appear stronger. It makes us look petty or smug.

In my personal life, it has been hard to follow this rule of thumb. There are some I have wanted to speak badly of. However, I recognize that those people are also hurting and it would be cruel of me to add insult to injury. It is my place on this earth to show only love and compassion. I’ve held my tongue and kept my words to myself. But, there have been days!

There are enough toxic people on this earth. I refuse to join them.