“Shut Up, John”

My father died in 1989 when I was barely an adult. As the oldest child, responsibilities fell onto my shoulders when my mother was unable to cope with things. There were many things she had never learned how to do since her role in the family was only to take care of the children. It was at this time my mother’s behavior changed, and the true narcissist appeared.

I was young and naive, but I recognized some of the issues the family was trying to work through. Self-esteem for most of us was at an all-time low. I had never heard the term “narcissist” or knew what it meant, but I recognized that we needed to help my mother understand what “love” and “respect” meant. It wasn’t that she didn’t love us with what she had. It was that her version of love was different from ours.

I Tried Self-Esteem Meetings

I also had a sister who was in a relationship I knew to be unhealthy. I recognized the problem of low self-esteem in her especially. I bought some self-esteem books and began to have self-esteem meetings for the women in our family. I wasn’t sure it would fix things, but I had hopes of it helping.

Those meetings didn’t last long. In retrospect, I believe there were too many different stages of emotional damage. It would be similar to trying to teach first graders with fifth graders and high schoolers all at once. My mother didn’t seem capable of understanding even any of the easy concepts. My sisters attempted to do some of the work, but they weren’t ready to make any changes yet.

I Continued The Work Myself

However, I continued with reading and studying the self-help book I had bought to use. I knew I needed help. I recognized that my self-esteem was not healthy. One of the concepts in that book I read has stuck with me over the years, although I have not always practiced what it taught.

Recently I’ve begun seeing a counselor. She gave me a video link to watch for an idea of how our healing method might work. Within the video, the presenter introduced the same concept I had learned before.

The concept was simple enough. We each have an inner critic who is always putting us down. To separate that inner critic from our self we give him (or her) a name. Then we can talk back to him or her. Although I am a female, my inner critic is a male with the name of someone I have considered an archnemesis at one time in my life.

John Harasses Me

When that inner voice tells me how stupid I am, I don’t have to accept his words as gospel truth. John recalls moments of my past for which he expects me to chastise myself. He asks all kinds of questions to prey on my mind.

“How could you have done something like that? Why would you do something so stupid?” The key is in recognizing the thoughts as separate from yourself. Attribute them to John, or whomever your inner critic is. Answer John back. Perhaps the actions were taken before you knew any better. Maybe at the time, it was the best option of all that you had.

“Shut up, John,” I tell him often. “I will not listen to you.” Sometimes he is insistent. He doesn’t like me to ignore him. I think he gets a certain satisfaction at having control of my mind. But, in giving him a name, I started to take back control.

I’m not sure why it works. I don’t know the science behind it. Maybe it’s a simple matter of taking the focus away from the painful thought. It might be the fact that John receives blame for these unwanted thoughts. I know that it works.

If low self-esteem is something you suffer with, give this method a try. Name that voice in your head. Choose a name you don’t like so it’s easier to argue with it. Talk back to it. Take back control.

Learn to love yourself again.