Update from The Write Empath

Four months ago I published my last post here.  It hardly seems possible to me that it’s only four months ago.  It feels like an eternity.  I guess it’s time for an update.

Time feels different these days.  Since I quit working early last year, it’s been difficult to create a new routine.  I like routines, and for most of my life, I worked a night schedule.  Now, I have the luxury of following my own schedule, but I am still a night person.  I’m awake when the darkness falls upon the earth, but as soon as the sun appears my eyelids begin to droop.

I have neither a typical rising hour nor a regular bedtime.  While I do try to stay close to the same hours, my body may not always agree.  Most of the time I am awake until 2 A.M. and asleep until 10 A.M.  This seems to work best for my body.  When I wake from that sleep, I feel more refreshed than any other sleeping hours.

Filing For Disability Is No Cake Walk

Life, however, has been a challenge for me.  Quitting work was one of the easiest and one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make.  My body is giving out, but I’m still too young to retire. Continuing to work would have ended in early death.  My heart would have given out if the pain didn’t do me in before then.  I can’t keep a regular work schedule anymore since there is no guarantee I will be able to come in every day.  Pain doesn’t attack according to calendar days.

If anyone tells you that’s it’s a piece of cake to just file for disability and your prayers will be answered, kick them to the moon (if you are physically able to do such a thing!)  I have said more than once that if I knew the struggles and troubles I would endure, I might have chosen to remain working and let it kill me.  It might have been an easier death.

Prove You Aren’t Faking It

First of all, when you file, they don’t believe you.  Even after answering all the intrusive questions they ask you about daily life, they STILL don’t believe you.  Having your own doctor backing you isn’t enough to make the process smoother.  A very wise woman once told me that they hope you either quit or die trying.

You are pretty much guaranteed to be denied the first time you apply.  In MY case, I called to check on the status of my claim after two months of silence from them, only to find out that nobody was even reviewing it.  If I hadn’t called, would they have looked at it?

Secondly, you need to have a full folder of medical records for them to even consider looking at your case.  I didn’t.  It was too expensive, even with insurance, to go to the doctor when I needed to. So I didn’t.  Or I put it off until it was too late.  Without medical records to back up your claim, you aren’t disabled enough.  I had some records, but mostly I had doctored myself at home with increasing doses of ibuprofen.  I pushed through the pain rather than incur a new bill.  Update your medical records often!

Thirdly, you need at least two years worth of living expenses in savings and a lot of patience.  The process takes FOREVER!  There are questionnaires to fill out.  I had both a mental and a physical exam by their chosen doctors.  These doctors were not even instrumental in a decision being reached.  They were only there to see if the claim was worth even reviewing.

Wait … And … Wait … And … Wait

It can be weeks in between each correspondence from them, or any exam they schedule for you.  Then, they take their time in replying back with a decision or an update or a new form to fill out.  After the denial, you can appeal.  After that denial, you wait to be given a hearing date for a disability judge to determine your case.

Here is the kicker … it can take MONTHS to get a hearing date, sometimes up to a year or more just to get the date set.  During this time there is nothing you need to do except keep your medical records updated.  Oh, and probably find a good disability lawyer to help you jump through all the hoops!

Learning While I Am Still Waiting

This is the step I am at currently … My hearing date has been set FINALLY for a day in September.  It was January when I applied for the hearing. I first applied for disability in March of 2018.

I’ve learned a lot about myself through this journey.  And I see the world through a different lens than I did before.  I have also changed in a few different ways.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do is lose my sense of independence. With chronic pain, there’s a certain amount of independence I had lost anyway.  I’ve had to rely on others to help me do things I used to do on my own.  But at least through the pain of working, I was still able to feel independent financially.  That’s gone now.

I have learned about the finger of shame pointed at those who are not financially secure.  No matter how the circumstances come about, people judge those who can’t pay their bills or afford food or gas.  I’ve learned the humility of having to apply for assistance for bills and necessities.  I have been in the position of having to ask for help from friends and family.

Mental Health Becomes Unstable

Depression and anxiety are constant companions on this journey.  When the bills aren’t paid and you are on your last roll of toilet paper with less than a dollar in the whole house (including your checkbook balance), depression and humiliation box your ears and claim you as theirs.  Anxiety sits on your shoulder as you walk to the mailbox, anticipating a collection notice or a new bill you know you won’t be able to pay.

TV and Internet at home are a thing of my past.  They were the first to go when it came to shutting down unnecessities.  A quick run downtown for a midnight pizza is not an option anymore.  The local 24-hour gas station / convenience store doesn’t accept food cards.  Forget about any chance of eating out.  Oh, and that leisurely scenic drive to view the wildlife?  Yeah, don’t think about it.  The gas in the vehicle is saved for important things like appointments and necessary events.

I’ve often wondered how many disability applicants commit suicide before they ever get to the end of the journey.  I thought I was a strong woman.  But I found myself feeling those very thoughts a few times in the last seventeen months.  Maybe it would have been easier to lose everything at once, instead of slowly watching my life as I knew it draining away as the clock turned around.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Nothing lasts forever.  This too shall pass.  I have heard them all.  There were moments I had doubts and was an unbeliever.  I still have days when it seems I just can’t go on any longer.  But, I’m trying to remain focused on the positive and envision a better future than the one I would have had with the forced pain of work.

Hopefully, I AM at the end of this troublesome journey and the end goal is in sight.  I look forward to being back on stable financial ground with home internet so I can return to my regular posting schedule here.  I miss this.