Loss of 2019 Is No Sorrow For Me

Today we will say goodbye to 2019. We are ending a year and a decade. For me, 2019 has been a year of loss and depression. Despite my best efforts, it’s been a strong uphill battle to maintain my sanity in all that has been thrown into my life.

At the beginning of 2019, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Life had been insane in 2018. That was a year of significant change. Quitting my job, helping my sister leave an emotionally harmful lifestyle, helping to initiate a domestic violence group, working to maintain and monitor social media groups dedicated to helping others were only some of the major things I did in 2018. Then onto 2019.

2019 Should Have Been For Recovery

2019 began almost as a recovery period from the whirlwind of the previous year. However, it was not as restful as I needed. From the beginning of the year, I felt as if I was buried under stress I could never recover from. Things snowballed as the year went on.

Financial burdens have been the strongest trials sent my way, and despite various efforts to find ways to bring in some kind of income from home, I have as yet been unsuccessful. I had high hopes for beginning as a freelance writer until I realized even that was not possible with the health restrictions I deal with. Losing home internet was also a setback.

I’ve lost some of the independence I cherish dearly. There are days when I need help doing things I once did proudly on my own. I’m grateful Dan is always willing to help, but it’s a blow to my self-esteem to recognize I don’t have that independence I once did.

I’ve lost friends during the year, some to death, others to various issues in our lives. I feel the loss deeply when I lose a friend for whatever reason. New friends enhance my life, but they can never replace the friends who are gone. Each of us is different and individual and loved for our own unique qualities.

Unfortunately, I lost my once-happy self. I’m having a hard time finding her again, although I am working hard at it. Bi-weekly therapy appointments help. We are discovering some childhood traumas which play a part in my reactions to loss and grief. I am resistant to change, which is not good considering all the large-scale changes that have taken place in the last couple of years.

2019 Wasn’t All Bad

Good things happened in 2019 too. I joined and became a moderator of a group dedicated to combating online bullying and spreading kindness wherever possible. It’s inspiring to see all the good that is in the world.

Today’s media likes to exploit all the unhappiness, violence, and cruelty instead of the feel-good stories. It makes us think the world is a bad place. When we fill our minds with only negativity, it will consume us. The kindness group has shown that there are more good people in the world than we may first believe. It inspires us to perform random acts of kindness as well. I wrote a post about it in its early stages:  A World Craving Kindness

I became a freelance writer for an online newspaper dedicated to abuse of all types. This was one freelance job I can handle with my limitations. I write one article a week, which can be done at any time of the day or night, depending on when I feel the best.

This is a job I am proud of because it is my hope that I can help people with my words. My goal is to help readers believe in themselves and heal their inner wounds, just as I’m working on healing mine.  The first issue can be found here: When I Became Free News October 10, 2019

And this last month of the year, I discovered how many wonderful, kind people exist in my own small circle. Anonymous angels showered me with thoughts and prayers and mysterious packages with no return address during a period of time when I was feeling the darkest. While I suspect some of my closest friends joined forces to create the angelic army of kindness, I am not going to ask them to reveal themselves. I know how much fun it is to be the hidden hand of generosity when someone is in need and still trying to hold onto some self-pride.

But, 2019 is just another year, another point in time on a personal timeline. Time doesn’t really exist, and one day in one year isn’t any different than any day in any other year. These are just the next steps that needed to take place in my life, whether I celebrate a joy, or I mourn a loss. They happened to fall in 2019, but they could easily have happened in a different year under different circumstances.

What matters is that I learned from the lessons sent my way in 2019, the loss as well as the joy. And, that I use everything I’ve learned to improve my life in 2020. I’m not good at making and keeping resolutions. I self-sabotage despite my best efforts. However, I do have hopes of making changes for my better health this year.

Goodbye 2019. Welcome, 2020. May this be our best year yet.