EMPATHY, THE MOON, OR MENOPAUSE – EMOTIONS!

 (Photo Credit:  Donna Morris)

JUST STOP ALREADY! Seriously, why am I crying now? I have no reason for these tears. I’ve checked in with the friends I am deeply connected to and they are all fine. I love my dog, I don’t deny, but there’s something wrong when I cry before I go to work because I have to leave her home alone! My emotions are a mess.

My moods are delicate sometimes. There was a full moon 2 days ago. Maybe I’m still feeling its energy.

Full moons and new moons have a strong influence on me. They either wipe me right out or they give me a strange energy I can’t contain. This time though, I feel restless more than anything else.

Is it hormones? I’m 47 years old and I started menopause last year. So far I haven’t noticed too many problems or symptoms. Occasional migraines have attacked me. That’s been all I could identify as a symptom of menopause. Everything else has been pretty normal.

. . . The tears have now turned into intense anger. I have no reason in my own life to be upset or angry. I’m feeling something akin to rage. I snapped at one of the only friends I have at work. I felt so bad afterwards because instantly I knew I hurt his feelings. He did nothing to deserve my attitude. He turned to walk away. I chased him down to apologize.

I don’t know why I snapped at him. I don’t know why my temper is on edge. I don’t have a reason in my life to feel this way.

I turned to my creativity to pull me through. I pulled out the watercolors for a while. I splashed on some strokes of yellow. So bright! So cheery! TOO cheery. I’m not in the mood for cheery. But it looks like a fire so I tap in some strokes of orange over the yellow. Nope. Not intense enough. Let’s try some red. That feels a little more what I’m looking for. It looks like a nice campfire blazing. What is it symbolic of? Why did I go with a fire?

Maybe it’s wanting the comfort and warmth? I’m feeling very alone. Or maybe it’s the destructive nature of the fire. Could it be the rage that is burning inside of me? A rage I can’t even pinpoint a reason to exist?

Now restlessness has kicked in. I’m losing interest in the paints. I put them away and pick up the pen yet one more time. The old faithful pen and paper …

Here I find solace. A pen in my hand brings peace. I can almost see a black cloud form over my paper as words come flying off the pen. I write about these crazy emotions and I feel them being released slowly.

The heavy feeling in my chest is gone. A gentle peace falls over me. I read the words I just wrote but there is no clue what caused the intense emotions that were not normal for me. These words are just random words today.

Maybe the very act of writing was enough to clear whatever blockages were there holding the cloud in place. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could duplicate the results the next time my emotions go haywire for no reason. Sadly, it’s possible, very possible, that it was just time that cured the craziness. That it had a deadline that reached its expiration date.

I am still very unsure where it all originated – empathy, the moon or menopause?