“NO” IS A Valid Answer

“How many times do I have to tell you, the answer is ‘NO’?”

“But, just listen. You aren’t listening to me.”

“No, YOU aren’t listening to ME. You keep asking the same things. I keep giving you the same answer. But, you refuse to hear my answer because it isn’t what you want to hear.”

“If you will just listen to me, you will change your mind.”

“NO. I HAVE listened to you. Nothing changed. Nothing WILL change. My answer is still the same. NO.”

Have you had conversations like this? Or worse, you aren’t even given this conversation. Someone wants something from you that you are unable or unwilling to give them. It could be an item, an object, or your time and attention. After you thought it over, you realized it crossed your personal boundaries. So, you gave them an answer. At first, you were gentle about it when you denied their request.

They don’t like that answer. Used to getting their own way, they won’t take NO for an answer. So they keep asking the same questions, demanding the same from you, over and over again. In their mind, if they keep asking, sooner or later you will give in and tell them what they want to hear.

Gentle “No” Is Meaningless

After a while, the gentle response to their badgering becomes an exasperated expletive. While you were hoping to avoid hurting their feelings, it becomes obvious with time that they have no care for your own feelings. All they want is to hear “yes”.

Sadly, these people literally do not recognize the word “no” as a valid answer. It isn’t what they want to hear, so they refuse to give up in their quest. They firmly believe that they are destined to get a “yes” if they just keep working at it.

Narcissists are famous for this behavior. Believing the world revolves around them, they literally can’t fathom anyone not wanting to bend over backward for them. They are entitled to all your time and attention. Anything they want, they should have.

So, what do you do if you have such a person in your life? How do you get them to understand the word “no”?

They  Don’t Understand “No”

Unfortunately, you can’t. They have such a sense of entitlement that it’s beyond their comprehension to hear they can’t have something they want or desire. You can lay it all out with complete logic to explain your answer, and it will fall on deaf ears.

These people are master manipulators. They will use every trick they know to make you feel guilty or obligated in order to entice you to fall into their plans. They are not above playing a victim to win your sympathy. And before you know it you have agreed to clean their attic on the day you were supposed to be celebrating your favorite Aunt Sarah’s 90^th birthday.

In most cases, these people are not interested in your things, your objects, or your money and finances. They want your soul. The main goal is to monopolize your time and attention. It is their belief that your life should be spent with them, about them.

While it wasn’t YOU who set them on the throne they believe they sit on, these people expect you to give them the honor and praise they feel they deserve. It doesn’t matter if you have plans, a family or a life of your own. Those are menial issues, tiny problems you can figure out in your imagined quest to make them deities.

When It’s A Family Member

We’ve all known these people. If we are lucky, they blow in and out of our lives with minimum interference. Once we’ve given our negative answer we can avoid the badgering phone calls and emails. But, what can you do if it’s a family member?

These are trickier circumstances. On one hand, nobody wants to alienate a member of their immediate family. On the other hand, nobody wants to give up their life to cater to someone else’s wants and desires. Is there a solution?

The trick is to know and understand your own boundaries. Can you give some time or attention, but limit it to what doesn’t drain you? Perhaps a half-hour phone call once a week, or a lunch date together a couple of times a month isn’t too difficult?  Click here for help in setting boundaries

Set Boundaries According To Your Needs

However, if even these are too much, it’s OK to set your limits tighter. We each need to care for ourselves and our health. This includes mental and emotional health as well as our physical health. If this means we need to cut ties with a person for our health, it is within our right to do so.

Other family members may not approve of this behavior. They may not understand that the relationship is toxic for one member. In these instances, it can be difficult to stand our ground.

One thing I have learned as I have grown older is that I can’t live my life according to what others think. I live my life. And I am responsible for making sure I am healthy. Nobody else will feel the pain and suffering that I do when I am in the presence of a toxic person.

Also, let it be said that a person toxic to me may not be toxic to someone else. This makes it hard for others to understand why I have problems with this person. This doesn’t change the fact that for the sake of my personal health I need to limit any interactions with this person.

Too often we make life decisions based upon what others think of us. This can include allowing people in our lives who are toxic and unhealthy. If we would not choose to share a water glass with someone suffering with influenza, why would we choose to share time with someone who can make us just as ill mentally and emotionally?

Yes, Emotional Abuse Really Does Exist