Self-Care Lesson Turning 50

I looked in the mirror today, but I didn’t see anything different. There’s still salt and pepper in my bangs. My weight hasn’t changed from what it was last week. The skin tag that’s been on my neck since I was a child is still there. No new ones have appeared. This is still the same way I looked last week at this time. This is the product of my life long neglect of my self-care.

I am officially a year older. Saturday was my 50^th birthday. Of all of my birthdays, only 50 seemed to be an important year for me. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that it means I’ve been alive for half a century or if it is because it feels like a transition year from middle age to older person.

Mentally I don’t feel like “older person”. In fact, mentally I feel like about 30. That could be a good thing! Physically, however, I feel much older. I feel like my body is probably about 70 instead of 50. So 50 is a nice average between my mental and physical ages. Maybe I’m where I should be.

I could sit here in retrospect, filled with melancholy. Reflecting on my past isn’t going to change it, however. What’s happened is done. What’s been done can’t be undone. I can only move forward.

Transition Period

My life, at this time, is in a period of transition in many ways. Although physically I am in a period of stagnation, I can feel it’s only temporary. I’m working much harder on my mental health which has so much to do with my physical health. Until I can fix my mental issues, there’s little chance for me to do much with my physical health.

My sister was with me today when I was complaining about how I feel my life has been stagnant out of necessity lately. But, she put it all into perspective for me. Maybe I NEED this period of reflection. If I’m pushing myself physically, I won’t have the energy to heal the other parts of me that need healing just as badly.

And I’m horrible about pushing myself past the points I should. I keep telling myself “just a little more” until I’ve pushed “just a little more” too much and I suffer the consequences. Another lesson for me to learn – when is too much and where do I draw the line?

Much of the lessons I need to work on revolve around self-care and self-respect. I’ve spent so much time being there for others and feeling responsible for others, that I’ve neglected my own self-care. Even now, when I am aware that I have this habit, it’s still very easy to fall back into those old ways. Put me last, because someone else needs something.

When I was 30 or 40 and I could still manage much more physically, it wasn’t a big deal to keep pushing. I thought I could catch up. BUT, I never allowed time TO catch up. I just kept pushing.

Slow Down To Live

Now, at 50, I realize that the time to catch up is right now if I want to keep on living. I have to make self-care a priority and accept that it’s OK for me not to fix everyone else around me. I am not responsible for keeping everyone else healthy and happy. It is my job to make sure that I am healthy and happy and cared for.

There are so many others out there like me. The world needs the love we have to give, the care we feel for others. It’s hard to watch others suffer and not want to jump right in and fix the problems for them.

However, there’s a hard lesson I’m learning about that. Not only are we hurting ourselves by fixing everything for others. We are hurting them as well. Those problems are their own life lessons. They have to live through them to pass the test they are being given. If we take the test for them, they don’t pass the class.

It’s also taxing on us when we give our energy to cheat for them on their exams. We are failing our own test when we are taking theirs. Our test is to show we know how to practice self-care in whatever form that takes for us. It also includes knowing when to just be there for someone else without doing the work for them.

I don’t feel any older or wiser for having turned 50. But, with each day I am open to learning new lessons and being a better version of myself than I was the day before.

Christine is probably right. I needed this period of stagnation to learn how to practice my own self-care. It’s a way of forcing me to slow down and smell the roses.

Maybe 50 will be a very good year.