Time for Self Love

Another late night in the recliner. It was a wasted day as far as getting anything productive done. Well, I did get the dishes done so that counts for something. Mostly I read, and I slept and I relaxed. And I’m OK with that. It was self love.

I promised myself this weekend would be for relaxing and chilling and just letting my emotions settle, instead of trying to be productive, or trying to get even ONE thing done, whether it be a blog post, or painting or whatever. Instead I wanted this weekend to be about just me. About letting me run away from responsibilities and “shoulds” and “have-tos”.

I have no plans for tomorrow either. Dan was talking about maybe going for breakfast in the morning. If he is feeling up to it and if he can get me up then it sounds like a wonderful plan. But most likely I can foresee it won’t happen. It’s already late enough I may not want to wake up. And his stomach is acting up again tonight. Nothing unusual for him but it bothers me a lot. I hate it when he isn’t feeling good. I wish we could find a way to make it better.

Cookie must know he isn’t feeling good. She has been by his side all night tonight. Then again, I have a computer on my lap. There’s not much room for her. I was reading from my tablet but the battery began to die so I had to put that on the charger and read from the netbook. Kind of nice having Kindle apps on all my devices so I can read the books on any of them.

There are self-help books I downloaded I SHOULD have read but again there’s a SHOULD and I’m ignoring all of them this weekend. So instead I was reading a fiction book I downloaded and got lost in that. Getting lost in books is my favorite place to be. Dan slept most of the evening. He hasn’t felt good all day.

I checked Facebook a couple times but I haven’t really had much desire to even read the posts on there. Most of them lately aren’t personal anymore. It seems so few of my friends post what they are doing. Instead there are a lot of memes and shared stories. Those are nice enough but I like the personal posts. I’m just as guilty though. I don’t post much personal anymore.

I’m withdrawing. I can sense it in me. I’m pulling away from people in general. I want solitude so badly. I don’t want to say that I hate people. I really don’t hate people. I’m just feeling more and more overwhelmed by people. Even small groups are too much for me lately. I need a good solid week of alone time but I can’t see that happening any time soon. I’ve had to take too many vacation days from work already just for health reasons, both mental as well as physical.

The state of the world is so hard to deal with. There are so many good people yet. But all we hear about is the bad. And the political stuff is still so very overwhelming. Thankfully my Facebook feed doesn’t show much anymore. I don’t follow anyone who posts a lot of political things and I avoid all the news feeds. There are those who would say I bury my head in the sand rather than take part in what’s going on, but those are the ones who do not understand empathy. They don’t know how it feels to know the pain of another person. To feel the hatred some have for other people. To feel the guilt others feel just for being human. To feel the hurt at the words of another person.

I realized something a while ago. I am all about love. It’s what has driven me even when I was a child. I can remember writing the word “LOVE” in the margins of my notebooks in school while I was taking notes. It wasn’t a school girl crush kind of love I was thinking about. It was pure love. It was love for the sake of love.

Love is who I am. I don’t know anything else.

Love could end up being the death of me.