Lost

 (Photo Credit:  Jeremy Kruchten)

In June 2012 I lost my mind. Well, OK, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but really not too far from my reality. I thought I had lost a special friend forever. Circumstances in our lives made it impossible to see each other.
I was crushed. He was the one friend I could count on to understand without being judgmental. He loved me for me, not whatever I could give him or do for him. My secrets were safe in his ears.
I fell into deep depression. it was a dire hopelessness that had no visible end. I felt utter despair. I was lost to the world. I was lost to reality. I was lost to me. I had lost my mind.
Suicide never was a consideration but I had no care whether I lived or died. I still had plenty to live for but I couldn’t see any of it.
In truth I think I reached a point in my life when it was just time for a complete reboot. The fear of losing him was just the last straw, the catalyst that pushed it into gear.
I never lifted my eyes. My shoulders slumped over as if they were carrying the weight of the universe. I shuffled my feet along like I was dragging irons.
At the same time they changed my position at work to one of inactivity. I had a lot of time to get lost in my head. Time to reflect. Time to assume. Time to overthink.
I think I can safely and honestly say it was the very worst period of my entire life to this point. I had friends who recognized that I was in an unhealthy place. They listened to me. They held me when I cried. They tried distractions and lunches and dinners, all in vain.
Maybe if I had been ready and open to hearing them, they might have had a chance. I was so stuck in my own cold dark empty world I couldn’t hear them. I’m sure they felt pretty helpless.
I came out of it. It took time. And it took a lot of introspection and positive self-talk. I knew there was an end, a light shining into that darkness. I just had to find it. I had to talk myself into that light.
That descent into the depths of hell changed my life. I emerged a different person. There’s no way you can go through that and not come out different.
I learned to be more self-aware. I found my self-worth. I began to know and understand who I am inside. I had to revisit things I had been taught as a child.
In a way I felt like a child. A part of me died in that black hole I was buried in, and I was reborn into this new person. I guess you could say I rebooted myself.
I came out stronger and I swore to myself I would never allow anyting to put me back into that grave again. Nobody, nothing on this earth is worth falling into that dark blackness.
I have also made a pledge that I will not let anyone else fall in either if there’s anything I can do to prevent it. I will hold them while they cry. I will listen as they vent without judging them. I will help them stay busy and out of their heads.
I’ve been lost, but I returned. Now, it’s up to me to help others find their way out … in any way I can. With words. With hugs. With prayers and love.
Never lose hope.