Why Is It So Hard To Ask For Help?

In my life right now there are different women trying to escape, move past, or recover from abusive relationships. They are all in different stages. One is trying to escape from her abuser. One is toggling back and forth between independence and going back to her abuser for help. And one is successfully free and trying to go forward and move on. One thing they all have in common is a reluctance to ask for help.

There are different reasons why it’s so hard to ask for help, but most of them are centered around fear. Fear of being ridiculed or judged. Fear of trusting someone else or of losing people for asking for help. The biggest might be a fear of having to relinquish some control after having taken it back.

Other reasons include feeling ashamed that they are in need of help, feeling that they failed their families on their own, and even feeling unworthy of asking someone else for help. They might be afraid of being misunderstood and receiving the wrong kind of help. Yet another reason is the desire to feel independent and not need anyone for anything.

Life after abuse is hard. In many cases, it demands starting fresh and often with nothing to begin with. It is necessary to learn how to be independent. Yet, that’s one side of a double edged sword. It is also necessary to know when to ask for help and be willing to do it. It’s nearly impossible to find stability without a helping hand. Without help, the victim may sit stagnant without progress, and end up feeling like a failure for that.

Abusers take away the self-worth of their victims, until they believe they are unable to do anything right. They lack any confidence in themselves, and they have lost the ability to trust anyone else. This makes it awfully hard to ask for help when you don’t know who to ask.

It’s easy to understand the reluctance to trust other people. The abuser is almost always a person we are expected to be able to trust with our very life – a spouse, a parent, a teacher. If they can’t be trusted, who can? (And to be fair, even those who aren’t victims of abuse may deal with the betrayal of people they trusted, so how much harder must it be for those who have been abused?)

Also, the fear of retribution from the abuser may keep the victim from reaching out to people they know for help. They don’t want to lose their trusted friend at the caustic hands of the very person who abused them.

But, no man is an island, and we all need help at some point in our lives. For those escaping an abusive situation, it’s almost impossible to get out without some kind of help. But, that can be the very thing that keeps them stuck in the bad situation for so long. Who can they trust?

One’s first thought might be, “don’t they have friends or family who will help?” And, often there are family members and friends who want to help. However, not all of them can be good and effective support people. Just wanting to help them isn’t enough. Giving them gas money and a couple bags of groceries is kind, but not enough. Pep talks and encouraging words aren’t sufficient.

Sometimes being a support person means sitting back silently without judgment while they suffer through more abuse until they are ready to leave on their own. It means being ready on a dime to come get the victim and move them somewhere safe for the moment, knowing there is always a chance they will go back to the very thing they are running away from.

And after they do leave, it means guiding them through making tough decisions without making those decisions for them. It means holding their hand as they walk through the consequences of the decisions they make. In order for them to trust you, you have to give them a reason to trust you and ask for help from you. It takes time, patience, and love.

There are organizations whose purpose is to help people out of abusive situations. However, they don’t get the calls that they should. In many cases, the victims are reluctant to reach out and call them because they don’t want to label themselves “abused”. It feels like calling themselves “failures”. They failed to provide for and protect themselves and their family. They failed to recognize the abuser for what he/she was before it got too bad.

One woman told me that she got some help from the local organization, but that they were “all procedure and no heart.” Those words stuck a pain in my heart, but I recognized what she was saying. These victims need someone who cares to support them. Someone to take them by the hand, guide them and follow through as they try new things. Not someone who gives them a checklist of what to do, then calls a week later to check on the status of the list.

Being a good support person means sitting down one on one and understanding the current situation. Then it requires talking through different ways to handle it, and discussing different possible steps and outcomes. Then staying there while she/he takes the steps and following through until the end. And, finally, validating the accomplishment with praise without sounding condescending.

Knowing it’s hard for them to ask for help, we can offer to lend a hand when we see them struggling. An offer to do something with them can save them some dignity while still giving them the help they so desperately require. And then when they have accomplished something, however small it may seem, praise and encouragement go a long way toward building up the self-confidence they need to regain. As you celebrate the little improvements and successes together, it helps to showcase how far they’ve come from where they once were.

If you are / were a victim, as hard as it is, push past that fear and reach out for help. It may not seem like it, but there are people willing to help you. To quote one woman: “I had no idea what resources were out there for women like me at the time. But now…a Google search can help a lot. Information is at our fingertips for abused women. Granted, you likely have to advocate like hell for yourself, but being open to help and asking for it could have saved me years of feeling alone. “

Leaving abuse requires learning how to be independent, But at the beginning it requires accepting help from others to get there. It’s not easy. It’s a leap of faith. But It’s worth it when you start to feel that new independence and ability to do things on your own.