How Much Do You Value Independence?

When I was in therapy, one of the things we did was to determine what values I hold dearest. My most treasured value is “independence”. Perhaps it is the free spirit within me that will not be tamed. Maybe it’s because I have been disappointed too many times by people I thought would be there when they said they would.

Independence is a good value to have, and those who carry it within their arsenal should be proud of themselves. There is a certain amount of personal pride to be had when one can say, “I did this on my own”.

Mind you, I am not at all minimizing those who have had help in achieving goals and accomplishments. At some point, we all need help, and it can even be hard to ask for the help we need.

Even independent people like myself have to ask for help occasionally. It’s hard for us because we don’t like to rely on anyone else for anything. We like standing on our own two feet. Yet, sometimes circumstances require the help of another person. We need to humble ourselves and ask for that help.

Survivors Can Stand Alone

But, there is something to be said for those people who set a goal, figure out how to accomplish it on their own, dig in their heels, and do the work necessary to see it to the end without relying on others. It isn’t easy to do. It takes stubbornness and a strong desire to see the end result.

These people are survivors. No matter what life throws at them, they know they will figure out how to get through it. They don’t give up or sit and wait for a savior to come and rescue them. Instead, they take up their tools and start working on getting through whatever the current work is.  They clasp independence like a treasure.

Others Are Strangling Vines

Then there are those who are just the opposite. They don’t know (or care to know) how to do anything without someone else. They are like the clinging vines on a tree strangling it to death. Instead of living independently, they rely on others for their very life force.

They can be given all the tools and knowledge necessary to stand alone, proud and independent. But they choose to throw the tools away and let the knowledge fall from their head. If they are left to their own devices they would rather starve and die than live on their own.

There are different ways a person can be that strangling vine. Oftentimes we see the financial strangler. He or she has the ability to find ways to support him or herself but prefers to find someone else to pay their bills for them. Or, they only work part-time and earn too little to live off of. They need to find a “sugar daddy” of sorts to fill in where they are short.

More insidious, I think, is the emotional strangler. These people are often needy narcissists who can’t live life alone because they require constant attention from anyone else to live. They will do anything to gain and hold your attention hostage.

It’s a lot easier to say to someone, “No, I can’t give you any more money,” than it is to say, “no, I can’t give you any more attention.” People can believe you are finally just as broke as they are. But attention is not a physical thing that can be measured and emptied. They will never believe that you are just being drained energetically from giving them all the time and attention they demand.

Kind Hearted People Are Usually Victims

The most generous and kind-hearted people are usually the victims of these clinging vines. They like to help others in need. It fills something inside of them when they can be helpful to another person. So, they give everything they can to try to fill the needs of the person requesting help.

The problem is that there is no end to the need. A person who prefers independence will accept help only until he or she can handle things on their own again. But a clinging vine will take as much as they can get and keep expecting more.

After a while, the givers are empty themselves. They have given all they can, selflessly, until they are depleted. Yet the clinging vine will not see this and will continue to expect all they can.

Independent people have learned not to rely on others. Sadly, it’s often because they have been let down too many times in the past by people they thought they could count on. Instead of just giving up, they were made strong. They stopped looking for the knight on the white horse and decided to be their own knight.

Which One Are YOU?

Which would you rather be? Are you someone who values independence? Do you take your life into your own hands and accept responsibility for yourself? Or do you expect others to be responsible for your life and your needs?

If you identify as the clinging vine, don’t despair. There is hope for you. You have to decide you will take charge of your own life, then take action to do it.

If you are financially dependent on someone else, find a way to support yourself. If you have no job, find one. There is no end to the people looking for help right now. If you have a job that isn’t sufficient to cover your expenses, either 1) decrease your spending or 2) take on a second job, or 3) find a better paying job.

If you are emotionally dependent on someone else, learn how to live alone. It’s time to be comfortable with yourself. Recognize that you don’t need someone else to validate you as a person. Spend time working on your self-esteem.

If you are being strangled by a clinging vine, learn the word, “no”. It is a single sentence on its own. It needs no explanation. Say no, and walk away. It’s really that simple.

To be independent is something to be proud of. We should all strive to be able to stand alone on our own two feet without constantly needing someone else to hold us up.  Independence is a virtue to be proud of.