The Two Blog Writers

There are two writers for this blog. The first writer did the writing in the beginning when the blog was first born. The second writer took over this last year.

When I started this blog in 2017, my purpose was to share my story and thoughts with the world, or as much of it as might be interested. I wanted to share my insight and my experiences in the hope that others in the same shoes might learn from what I went through.

I had started small blogs before, but they were personal and private. They were more like online diaries or journals. I wasn’t ready to share those thoughts with anyone else. However, this time I wanted the world to know I was alive and what I thought.

What I hadn’t realized was that the blog would be key to helping me heal from things in my past. I had always used writing to help me sort through my emotions. Sometimes it was poetry. And other times it was journals or essays or just plain prose straight from my heart. But I hadn’t considered writing posts for my blog would act the same way.

I never knew what my topic would be for my next post. Whatever seemed to be happening in my life at the time was most likely going to be the topic of the day. When I wrote out my thoughts or formed an outline of them, I could see a post developing and I fleshed it out. Or, sometimes a random thought came to me and I knew it would be a good post.

And sometimes posts wrote themselves. I knew my experiences were ones I needed to share with others in the same shoes. I wrote about my feelings and how I dealt with them. Whether I was right or wrong in the way I dealt with it was beside the point. How would I even know?

As I wrote some of the posts for this blog, I knew I would make some people uncomfortable or unhappy with me. You can’t please everyone. You are always going to be stepping on someone’s heartstrings. It’s inevitable. I couldn’t let it hold me back.

Too many times victims are expected to keep their mouths shut. Keep the family secrets. Don’t tell others what happened. You’ll bring shame to the family. And that’s how bad things continue to happen.

There have been multiple incidents in my past that caused me trauma. I doubt I am alone in that. Everyone has to deal with their own traumas. But I resolved not to let them define me or shame me. And I wasn’t going to hide them under the carpet.

When I was younger I was silent. I was shy and hid behind my parents. They did my speaking for me. That was encouraged and I was not expected to speak up for myself. But, I was also taught to speak up for and defend my family. In that way, I learned to be very outspoken.

It’s easy for a blog writer to become a keyboard warrior. We write out our feelings and emotions without a visible opponent in sight. But there will always be those who disagree with our words and who resent us for what we share. A writer can expect this. If your skin isn’t thick enough to deal with rejection, you should give up writing.

The woman who started this blog 5 years ago is far different from the woman who is writing these words today. That woman teetered between posting something that might make someone upset and holding back to keep a relationship intact.

This woman writing today doesn’t care who she loses anymore. It may sound cold and cruel, but life is too short to live in fear of losing someone. If you have to change who you are or hold back your feelings because they might step on someone’s toes, that person likely doesn’t fit into your life anymore. And that’s where I’m at.

The day has come when I have realized some people are only in your life as spy cameras and microphones. Or they feel they are obligated to be in your life by blood. Our lives are cluttered with extra people who do not have our best interests in mind.

Even last year I was still holding onto some people because I felt obligated to do so. We had long-standing connections by time or blood that made me feel obliged to keep them in my life. But they were dragging me down mentally and emotionally. I just didn’t recognize it.

However, most of those people are out of my life now. More are leaving, whether by their choice or mine. I’m over 50 years old now. I’ve wasted enough time holding onto razor blades hoping they would stop cutting me.

This blog has lasted 5 years already. It’s the longest-running blog I’ve had and the one I’ve put the most time and effort into. And the only I’ve enjoyed the most because it has helped so much with my emotional healing. Through it, I’ve connected with others who have walked in the same shoes. We’ve shared similar stories and compared healing notes.

Sometimes it takes a lot of work and effort to write a post for this blog. Sometimes it falls together and I just copy/paste and publish in minutes. The healing isn’t in the publishing. It’s in writing out my feelings and emotions.

I’m proud of the woman I’ve grown into in the last 5 years. It’s been a long road and there’s still a long road ahead of me yet. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, both through the help of a therapist and on my own.

Each day I feel like I grow stronger. I have learned to set strong boundaries and enforce them. Many will try to push through them. Most will call me a bitch for not giving in to their manipulations. But I set boundaries for my personal protection and emotional well-being. And as I grow stronger, so do my boundaries.

In 2017, I had very few boundaries. And even with the ones I had set, I wasn’t strong enough to keep people from pushing through them. In 2022, my boundaries are rock solid and steady. Life isn’t less hectic. Just a lot more peaceful.