Don’t Leave! I Have Abandonment Issues!

Have you ever found yourself in a panic when you are afraid of losing someone from your life? Do you get sick, perhaps physically, after a fight or a breakup with someone you felt close to? Has a friend or partner ever suggested you might be too clingy? Do you have problems letting go of people? If so, you may have abandonment issues.

According to Medical News Today, “abandonment issues” is an informal term that describes a strong fear of losing loved ones or of them leaving a relationship. It is a form of anxiety that can affect relationships your whole life. I suffered with it for a long time without knowing that I had it or even what it was.

In one of my first relationships, I had to call in sick to work after our first argument. I was physically sick with the thought of separation. And the kicker is that it wasn’t even an argument big enough to CAUSE a separation! I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I wasn’t even aware enough to associate the illness with the argument. But the illness went away as soon as we resolved our issues.

When I began to work on my problems with low self-esteem I learned a lot about different mental illnesses and problems. And, when I read about abandonment issues and recognized the symptoms, I didn’t think it fit me.  Nobody had left me in my past. I hadn’t learned enough about it to know that it doesn’t just happen if you lose someone important early in your life.

Of course, losing a parent or special person early on is a significant trauma that can cause issues with abandonment. But some other causes can also include abuse, mistreatment, or neglect from a caregiver or having a caregiver who is not consistent in attention or affection.

Neither of my parents was emotionally mature. As a child, I never recognized they had problems. It is only after having done a lot of work on myself, a lot of reading, and a lot of personal research that I learned that the family dynamic I was raised in was less than healthy. Never will I say I had bad parents exactly. I think that neither of them was mature enough emotionally, or emotionally healthy to raise children. They did their best with what they had. It simply wasn’t enough.

Throughout most of my life, I held onto people I should have let go of because I was afraid of losing anyone. As someone with abandonment issues, I was subconsciously trying to hold onto everyone who ever entered my life, no matter how healthy or unhealthy it was for me. I bent over backward and did almost anything to keep them from “abandoning” me by ending our relationship.

The first step in helping yourself is recognizing that you have a problem and acknowledging the behaviors that are symptoms. For me, it was a realization that someone was no good for my life, but I was still afraid to let him walk away. I felt since he had become a part of my life, he must stay no matter what. Yet, I didn’t like the way he treated me as an afterthought, or things he wanted me to do that I didn’t feel comfortable with.

It took me a long time to learn enough to begin the healing process. When you suffer from abandonment issues it’s very hard, in the beginning, to do what you need to do. As you begin to heal and grow, you will lose people. It’s part of the healing process and it’s normal. It’s also very painful. Some of these people you thought of as “forever” people. You may start to see all people as temporary visitors in your life.

Very Well Health says the signs of abandonment issues include the following: difficulty trusting others, codependency, staying in a relationship that isn’t healthy, struggling to regulate emotions and stress, and a few more. The more I read, the more I recognized myself. I was guilty of a lot of the named symptoms.

In my studies, I also learned about “attachment theory” which, according to Wikipedia is a psychological, evolutionary, and ethological theory concerning relationships between humans. The basis of attachment theory as I understand it is that as infants we need a solid relationship with one parent or caregiver in order to develop normally socially and emotionally. Without that, we will have problems with all relationships throughout our life unless we get help or work on ourselves.

There are 4 main attachment styles, but I won’t go into attachment theory in this post. The 4 styles are: secure, anxious-ambivalent, disorganized, and avoidant. Secure attachment style is healthy, while the other three are not. People with abandonment issues fall into the 3 “insecure” attachment styles.

This link from Denver Metro Counseling can help you learn which attachment style you have and give some pointers on what you can do to help yourself. I identify best with the disorganized attachment style. This seems odd because I am an extremely organized person, but my behaviors show I have a disorganized attachment style. This is a combination of the anxious and the avoidant.

The anxiety caused by abandonment issues can be challenging to say the least. Someone may actually fall ill upon finding out a social media contact decided to click “unfriend” or “block”, even if it was only an online contact. The body feels that abandonment all over again.

Or perhaps a partner or friend has taken too long to respond back to a text or call. The anxious thoughts of someone with abandonment issues will drive them insane. They will worry they did something to offend the other, or that the other has decided the relationship isn’t worth the time or effort. When, in reality, that same person was just too busy to address the call or message right away.

An abusive partner of someone with abandonment issues will manipulate the relationship with threats of leaving.  The threat of being “abandoned” again will cause someone with abandonment issues to do almost anything to make them stay, no matter how poorly he or she is treated.

There is help for abandonment issues, and it doesn’t have to involve seeing a professional therapist. However, obtaining professional help is more focused and quicker than trying to figure it all out on your own with self-help books and posts such as this one.

One of the biggest things you can do for yourself is to work on raising your self-esteem. People with abandonment issues generally have low self-esteem. Belief in yourself and your worth is key to healing.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is another method you may use to work on yourself.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps you to consciously retrain your thought patterns. This can be done with a therapist or on your own.

Abandonment issues can ruin even the best of relationships, but with some effort, they can be healed. If you recognize yourself in this post it’s time to change your life for the better. Do a little research or reach out for help from a professional who can guide your path. You will be glad you did.