Why do people feel it’s OK to judge someone for their feelings? Feelings are uncontrollable. We can try to squash them down and pretend they don’t exist. Feelings can be ignored for a while. But, they are not something we have any control over. There is no off switch.
If someone hurts our feelings, we honestly feel that pain. We can say with our mouths that it was nothing, but the twinge in our hearts still happened. Our brain might even push that little twinge into the back corner and pretend it never happened. But it did happen.
There’s a leap in your heart when you see someone you love who has been gone awhile. Do you control that leap? Of course not! You don’t have to tell your heart to jump for joy because someone dear is near again suddenly. It just does.
When we lose someone dear, there’s no off switch to stop the grief that shatters our hearts. We can’t just flip a switch and stop hurting. It takes a lot of tears and time to deal with the grief, and even then, the pain doesn’t totally disappear. It returns at random moments when we least expect it.
What makes us think anyone else can control theirs if we can’t control our feelings? How can we judge someone else for feeling anything that they feel? It is neither fair nor right of us to blame someone for feelings they have no control over.
Our emotions come from our experiences. Things we have witnessed, heard, or lived through have shaped our reactions to events. These will determine how we feel when things happen to us or around us.
When the victim of an abuser hears of his/her death, what is the victim expected to feel? Joy? Relief? Sorrow? Anger? Pain? There’s no switch to turn to the expected emotion either. What comes is what you get.
Unfortunately, we live in a society where everyone seems to believe it’s their right and duty to tell others how to live and what to feel. If I’m happy, everyone around me must be happy for me. If I’m grieving, everyone else must feel my pain.
Life doesn’t work that way. Feelings are valid and unexpected. They don’t follow any rules. A death can bring relief to some while bringing sorrow to others. A wedding can bring joy to some while others find heartbreak in it. None of these feelings are wrong. Our emotions just are. They exist. However, how we react to them is our own responsibility.
Personally, I don’t think I could be happy living in a world where we had to flip a switch to feel an emotion. The spontaneity of emotions is part of their value. Imagine a surprise birthday party where the guest of honor had to flip a switch to show amazement. Talk about a party flop!
Instead of judging yourself or someone else for a reaction to an event based on emotion, remember that emotions are uncontrollable. Neither you nor anyone else has control over how you feel. Perhaps instead, offer a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, or an ear to listen. Or for yourself, spend some time on self-care in whatever form that is for you.
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