An Empath and the Narcissist

Do you know a narcissist or an empath? These days it’s more likely that you DO than that you don’t. Maybe it’s just me and the fact that I am more aware of narcissists these days but it seems like they are more common than they used to be. Is it the world we live in? Are their behaviors just more acceptable than they should be?

Alternatively, I also find that I am discovering more empaths in my world than I expected. They aren’t all as open about the fact, but with conversation most of them will admit to it, especially upon sensing that I am one too. The term empath is still a bit too weird and “out there” for some people.

I was unaware of either term until I began to research my mother’s behaviors and her inability to know what true love is. It was then I found the term narcissism. I heard the word tossed around before but I never took any particular note of it. I didn’t think it pertained to my life. Oh how wrong I was!

I began to research narcissism looking for answers and a cure. Along the way I discovered a word that is the virtual opposite of narcissist. That word is empath.

Narcissists do not understand empathy. They are not able to empathize with another person. An empath is a person who does that and more. An empath literally feels the emotions (and sometimes physical sensations) of another person in their own self. It is different from sympathy in which you can only imagine the true emotions. An empath feels the true emotions.

Not every ex from hell is a narcissist. Every neglectful parent is not a narcissist. Nor is every egotistical boss a narcissist. It is not a catch-all term to use for anyone who is hard to deal with. There are symptoms of true narcissism. There just is no cure.

I went to the Mayo clinic website for symptoms and a definition of narcissism. (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20025568) Some of the symptoms listed as narcissism include:

• Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
• Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
• Exaggerating your achievements and talents
• Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
• Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
• Requiring constant admiration
• Having a sense of entitlement
• Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
• Taking advantage of others to get what you want
• Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
• Being envious of others and believing others envy you
• Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

Sadly, most of these describe my maternal parent. It goes beyond a healthy dose of self-confidence and becomes arrogance to the point of rudeness. Unfortunately these people do not realize they are ill with this, and because of the nature of the disease there is little chance of them having the ability to recognize the disease in themselves.

Narcissists put themselves on a pedestal. Their life is a sad game. They have such low self-esteem that they feel they need to pretend to be better than they think they are to counteract someone not liking them for not being good enough. They put on an act to appear to be lovable to offset the fact that they don’t believe in their own hearts they are worth loving. A sad irony to be sure.

Empaths sense artificial people. An empath doesn’t know a person by their words or even their actions. An empath knows a person by their energy. They have the ability to see into the heart of the person and understand their true self.

A narcissist may come across as charming, friendly, and helpful. Their public face is one of kindness and generosity and friendship. That public face is a true mask. That is the act.

Nobody can continue an act for too long. It requires too much energy to remain in a role. Sooner or later the mask falls, the true person appears and the evil half is revealed. The empath sees the true self even beyond the mask.

In a relationship with a narcissist, it starts out as sweet and charming but before too long the little red flags appear under the guise of misunderstandings. It may be control issues right from the beginning that are taken as being signs of true love and caring. Maybe there are little remarks that can be couched in gentle words with the true meaning poking daggers under the surface. Subtle little things that may be minor annoyances at first will be realized later for the red flags that they are. Control over the car keys and then over the finances. Little freedoms are taken away. Isolation from others who may recognize the unhealthy relationship is a gurantee.

Growing up with a narcissist parent is a little different. The child doesn’t know the difference. He or she grows up believing it is normal to have no personal boundaries. It is perfectly acceptable to be controlled by the parent. He or she is led to believe that the purpose of life is to adore and serve the parent for the rest of the natural life. No other people are needing in the child’s life.
Empaths need boundaries. Narcissists do not recognize them. Empaths feel the pain when they inflict it upon others, even unintentionally. Narcissists seem to take pleasure in bringing suffering to another person. It gives them a feeling of control over that person.

Most empaths are born with empathy. I have not seen anything definitive to say how narcissists become that way. Some pages say they are born with it, that their brains are wired differently. I have also read it can be as a result of their own childhood, perhaps growing up with a narcissistic parent themselves.

According to most of the research, there is little chance for a cure. They are incapable of believing themselves wrong in any way. This creates a lot of heartache and indecision in the empathic child of a narcissist.

Empaths feel a need to fix everything and cure everything. It is in our nature to save the world no matter how impossible it seems. How much more do we try to save those we love and are closest to then? It was for this very reason that I, myself, was researching narcissism upon recognizing my mother’s illness. How heartbreaking it was to realize there is nothing I can do to fix her. Even harder it is to realize that in order to save myself I have no choice but to limit or eliminate all contact with her.

A narcissist and an empath cannot live together in peace and harmony. They are like oil and water. They will never be able to blend together. Whether it be a romantic relationship, a marriage or a parent-child relationship, sooner or later, they will separate or one will die trying.

Sad but oh so true.