I Woke Up Again

Today I woke up again. I don’t mean I woke up out of bed from a night of sleep. I mean I am aware of my life again. At my age you would think that I would have a better handle on life, be more aware of all the different aspects of my life. After all, I’m 47 years old! What have I done with the last 30 years?

That’s the big question. I’ve found myself at this sunrise a number of different times in my life. I gained enough clarity for the moment to realize that life was pulling me along like a raft in a current.

All those times I made resolutions to start my life all over again: To work on my health; change my diet;  start exercising more; focus on my dream of writing my autobiography.  I resolved to change the world.

Good For A Short While

I’m great for a few weeks. Focusing, I set my goals and work on them religiously. Everything goes along splendidly.

Then it happens. I get sick or too sore or just plain get too tired and worn out. So, a day slips by when I don’t meet my daily quota. Then I think to myself, “It’s only one day. I will be OK tomorrow.” But the following day there are distractions and other responsibilities. I’ve missed a second day. Missing the third day comes easier. One day becomes many.

Back Here Again

Well, here I am at this point again today. I was at the park, and words were flowing strongly in my personal journal – the book that contains all my self-criticism, that paints a picture of my fears and my worries. The book that houses my innermost thoughts. As I wrote something clicked inside me. I woke again. Something slapped me in the face and said, “What are you waiting for? You aren’t getting any younger. Any healthier.”  

I was taken aback at my own words. When you argue with yourself you can’t walk away. That’s a good thing. The words stare you in the face daring you to deny what you already knew.

Twenty Years Of Work

For the last 20 years, yes – TWENTY YEARS, I have been trying to write my autobiography. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to write it really. I just knew I was supposed to do it.

Then about five years ago  I woke up in a different way. I discovered that I am an empath. I reasoned that maybe the desire to write the book came more out of a desire to learn who I am, to discover myself. There were many false starts that I tossed out after deciding they just weren’t what I was looking for. A lot of words and work I rejected that maybe weren’t all that bad.

As a child I never had dreams. Not real dreams. When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up my immediate response was “a teacher.” I would have been a good teacher.

I’m a good teacher now when I am called upon to help others in subjects I know and understand. But I never REALLY believed I would become a teacher. Dreams were something that happened to other people.

No One-Gift Wish

This last Christmas I had an eye-opening moment. After a big disappointment, I came to a realization about my childhood. I never had a “one-gift wish”. You know, that one gift you want more than anything else in the world. Like the Red Ryder BB gun in the movie “A Christmas Story”  when Ralph only wanted that gun and nothing else in the world would satisfy.

In my whole life, I have never had that one gift that I wanted more than anything else. Not for my birthday, for Christmas, or for any holiday. I never had personal goals. Well, except to make the honor roll at school so my parents would love me. I felt that was more their goal than mine.

I never really had a dream. Not a dream that I ever considered there being a chance of coming to fruition. And so here I am at 47 still letting life drag me along because I have no end goal in sight. I have no destination in mind so I don’t really care which direction the raft takes.

Time To Wake Again

It’s time to change that. It’s time to see where I want this raft to take me. And so that’s what I want to get done this week. I think it’s time for me to settle down and write the book. Even if nobody else wants to read it but me. I need to write it for me. I need to find out who I am and why I am who I am. What shaped me into this person with no goals and no dreams? And what will I need to change so I do feel worthy of having dreams and seeing them come true? It’s time to set the goals and write the book.

Today I woke up again. I pray God that I can stay awake this time and take the oars of my life and be the change I’ve always wanted to be in the world.