Damn Guardians of the Gate

I have guardians in my head I think…

The workshops I attend to help heal my emotional wounds are helping a lot.  Eva is great about knowing which questions to ask me, which assignment to give me to help dig out the things I need to deal with.  One of my assignments was to write a letter to myself … Although I am sure there will be more in time, this was the one I took to the workshop with me:

Dear Shell,
This is my THIRD attempt at this letter to me. What does that tell you? Either you are a perfectionist or you are stalling, avoiding. Knowing you, I’m leaning toward the second option. There’s a truth you are either afraid to admit or afraid to find out.

When things get emotionally uncomfortable suddenly it’s time to check my phone or change the radio station or turn the radio off or on. Anything to do but keep on writing.

Even being aware of it, it’s hard to push through. Suddenly your mind goes blank. You’ve put up some strong gates to protect your secrets.

The only reason to put up gates and barriers and walls is to hide a shame. There’s something buried that you need to expose and to forgive yourself for. If God can forgive all things why are YOU unable to forgive yourself?

What could be so awful that you can’t forgive? What fear is connected with the shame? Perhaps you are afraid of consequences if this shameful this is exposed?

I think I’m waiting for an “A-ha!” moment. I’m waiting for the light bulb to appear over my head and reveal this deep secret.

Sorry Shell, it doesn’t work that way. There is no easy way inside those walls. Being the strong woman you are, you built those walls strong with every intention of them never being breached. They are there to protect you from your own truth. You buried them so they can’t hurt you or haunt you.

It’s time to find them, free them, and then release them. These secrets, these fears, these guilty feelings are weighing you down, adding baggage.

What is your biggest fear? What are you the most afraid of?

It’s hard to step back and analyze yourself with a critical eye. How do you pull out of your own head to look objectively at what’s in it?

I’m afraid of pain. I am afraid of both physical and emotional pain.

At some point in your past you’ve been hurt terribly. You need to protect yourself from ever feeling that again.

The word “betrayal” just came into my head. There are no connections with it. Who betrayed you? Who do you feel betrayed you?

I’m getting a headache now. Another sign I’m getting too close to something? Another protection in place to stop me from digging further?

Suddenly I’m looking for food. I CAN’T be hungry. Another distraction. How many more guardians are there at the gate?

You aren’t focusing again. focusing on the distractions was a very clever distraction itself. FACE YOUR DAMN FEAR ALREADY AND GET IT OVER WITH! What are you so afraid of?

Perhaps you think that you are unworthy of love. You’re afraid of rejection. You’re afraid of disappointing your loved ones and they won’t love you anymore.

Maybe, when all is said and done, you have a fear of abandonment. You don’t mind being alone for a little while. But you’re terrified of being alone forever.

The headache is too intense to push through today. I guess the guardians of the gate have done their job too well today. But there are other days. I will break through with stronger weapons.

I will find the secrets and I will heal them.

The next assignment is to talk to the little Shell.  Little Shell is the inner child who I may or may not be hiding deep within these walls.  Maybe SHE is what I am protecting.  In time I hope to find out.