Healthy Love? Or Toxic?

Poets, authors and songwriters through the years have filled reams of paper with words of love. There are love stories, tragedies, descriptions of love, tales of the lovelorn, and so much more all centered around the topic of love.

And why not? Everyone wants to be loved. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. To be loved is to be chosen, accepted, wanted.

But true love doesn’t come easy or without a price. And it often comes disguised as friendship first.

Many times I’ve encountered women (and a few men) who were so desperate to belong to someone they convinced themselves their toxic relationship was “true” love. THE one and only. Love personified.

Maybe evil personified. They just didn’t see it because they wanted to be loved so badly. To belong to someone. Anyone. They were abused and controlled but it was invisible to them.

Friends and family don’t wear the same rose-colored glasses about the partner. They see the flaws. And they notice how a person’s behavior changes when they are with the partner. Friends have a keen eye for the red flags in relationships.

The problem is, we don’t listen to our friends, our family or even our own voice of reason. We prefer to stay blinded. We simply decide “This is my person.”

It’s not love but we convince ourselves it is. We make excuses to our friends when they point out the flaws or red flags. Rather than consider our family or friends’ concerns, we justify questionable or suspicious behaviors, often with excuses.

Sometimes we stay for the sake of appearances. If we “have someone” we must be worth something. To be single is to be so flawed nobody wants us.

But, how do you know if you are in a healthy relationship? Maybe answering these questions can help you decide:

1. Trust your friends and family. If they express concern take note. They have loved and known you longer. They don’t want to see you hurt. If more than a couple of them express worry or indicate they are uncomfortable, take their words to heart.
2. Pay attention to yourself. Do you have to be a different person when you are together than when your partner isn’t around? Does your behavior change with your partner?
3. Do your moods change? Are you only happy with your partner when you are WITH your partner? Do you feel irritable after being with your partner? How does your partner make you feel?
4. Do you trust each other? Can you accept each other’s friends, especially those of the opposite sex? Do either of you feel a need to control the other’s friendships? Or snoop into phones and emails and social networking? This isn’t love.
5. For that matter, do either of you feel a need to control the other in any way? Love is free. To love someone is to set them free and pray they choose to stay.
6. Is there a fair share of giving and taking between the partners? Or does one get more benefits most of the time while the other just gives in?
7. Do you fight often?
8. Do you support each other’s dreams and goals no matter what hardships they bring?
9. If you are having sex, is it more about the sex / lust than the companionship / love?

To put the relationship to a real test, agree to a 8-12 month “break”. No contact with each other with the understanding that neither is free to see other people during this time. Instead it’s a time to work on yourself, to learn who you are. When the time is up you will both know if you want to be together forever.

Someone who really loves you will be so sure of the love it will not be a problem to undergo this test. In the end love will win and there will no further separations. If the partner expresses fear or makes excuses why it’s not a good idea, there’s a chance the relationship is already in a bad place.

There are so many other people in the world who might be a more suitable partner. Why settle for a chicken sandwich when you could have a full chicken dinner with all the fixings if you wait a little longer?

True love is beautiful. It’s free. It’s worth waiting for.

Breakup hurts both partners no doubt. But it’s also a part of life and being an adult. Sometimes we have to do what is best for ourselves even if hurting someone else is unavoidable.

Love, real and true, is worth it.