Who Are The Survivors?

It’s strange what survivors will do to cope with the things that they have experienced in their lives. They have to do whatever it takes to deal with the horrors that they live. To survive.

The physical body can handle abuse much more easily than the mind. Mental abuse works at the person’s own self worth. After a while, the abuser doesn’t have to say anything at all for the victim to feel worthless. Overthinking and anxiety take over and the victim abuses herself in her own mind.

Recently at the healing workshop that I attend I mentioned that I have named my different personalities. This sounds schizophrenic but I assure you it isn’t quite as drastic. Although, maybe it borders on it closely. What I mean is that I wear a different mask around different people. It’s my way of coping.

I learned that this is not unusual behavior for people who are survivors of abuse. It is a means of disassociation. In my case, perhaps, I have taken it a step further in the fact that I have given them all names.

I have Mechelle, Shell, Destiny and Carla within this body.  These are the survivors.  Mechelle comes out when I’m around my family. She is the victim, the abused one. She is conservative, cautious, responsible, rather withdrawn and easily provoked into anger.

Shell is who I feel is the real person within. She is nurturing, responsible, fairly happy, friendly, caring and overall a generally good person. Shell is who my co-workers see. She is the one the public sees on a regular basis.

Destiny is the troublemaker. She is careless and carefree. Throwing caution to the wind she has a “who gives a damn” attitude. She will do whatever she wants to do. She is too adult to call her the inner child, but I would say she would be the closest.

Carla is the angry one. Carla is destructive. She doesn’t care who she hurts. She lashes out at anyone near her. Carla appears when stress and rage and anger build up to a dangerous level. She is mean and vindictive and spiteful. I don’t like her.

It is my hope as I work on my mental health that these personalities will all merge into Shell. I want Mechelle to feel like she is a worthy member of the human race. I want Destiny to act more responsibly and not be as much trouble. And I want Carla to learn how to rein in her temper and deal with the negative emotions constructively.

Perhaps the key to merging these personalities is in learning about my own emotions and dealing with each of them in a healthy manner. As an empath knowing my own emotions is vital to my survival. Until then, Shell shares this body with the other three ladies. But their visits are not as frequent so perhaps there is already progress.