Why I Speak Of My Past

Why are so many abuse victims silent? Why do so many who are aware of their situation not speak up, or get out? How can they stay in a situation they know isn’t healthy? Why didn’t they tell someone?

These and many more questions pop up when we learn of yet another person who has been victimized or is in an abusive situation. We want to know why they haven’t escaped themselves. Or we wonder why we never knew how bad their situation was in the first place. How was it all kept silent and unknown? Even after the abuse has ended many people don’t or won’t speak about it.

Abuse leaves one feeling unworthy. Unworthiness leaves one feeling like nobody cares or nobody would believe if they did speak up. For this, so many suffer in silence, even after they have escaped the worst time of their lives. They don’t want to tell their story. Even if someone believed them, it still makes them feel foolish for being so gullible. And then there are those who are afraid to hurt others with their story.

In my case, I was a child. I was the victim of narcissistic abuse. Abuse still feels like a harsh word to me. “Abuse” makes one think of being physically hit or screamed at. Or of being used sexually without consent. But it’s more than that. In a basic sense abuse is not being treated with respect or as an equal.

It’s hard for me to think that someone so close and dear to me could be abusive. I still grapple with the word “abuse” even though it has been verified to me through all the different ways I have worked to heal from it. Often I find myself making excuses not to use the word abuse. I tend to minimize each situation and look for reasons to justify it no matter how awful it left me feeling. It’s easy to just blame myself for not speaking up at the time. Or to say she just wasn’t aware.

It wasn’t easy for me to accept that I was emotionally abused / neglected. I didn’t want to believe it. How could someone who was supposed to love me and put my needs first as a child not understand that’s how it should be? And then when I did accept it, I was afraid to speak up. I was afraid to reveal the truth because of all the other people in my life who would be affected.

I have 5 siblings who grew up as I did: Living in a home with no boundaries. Being an extension of a parent instead of being recognized as an individual. My siblings would be exposed as survivors as well if I came out and spoke of these things. They may not be prepared to have the truth see the light of day.

There are aunts and uncles and cousins who would hear me speak out. Not having lived in our house they would never believe me. I would be shunned from the family. Ousted for speaking my truth. I would be the black sheep. The bad one. The liar. How awful I would be for slandering a good name. I must need someone to place blame on for all the bad things in my life.

These are reasons many survivors don’t speak out even after the abuse is over. They don’t want to affect other people and they don’t want to be isolated from the people they love. So they try to start their life anew, pretending nothing was wrong, nothing happened and just go on with daily life. Yet internally they struggle every single day from the effects of things that were said and done to them.

I battled with the decision to speak out for a while. I asked myself what good would it do? Who would it benefit? What would be the reason for me to say anything at all? Was I just placing blame to excuse my own actions?

I decided to speak out for me. I speak out for other survivors who need to know they aren’t alone. In speaking out, I hope someone will understand. It is also a call for help. Surviving abuse leaves a lot of residue that comes up in daily life. PTSD is a real thing with frequent triggers.

This blog is healing for me. I know there are members of my own family who do not understand my need to bare my soul and reveal the secrets of my family life. Or they don’t feel I am being completely honest or fair. Out of respect I try to keep details out of here. I don’t think they are as important. Speaking of incidents will not change the outcome.

As a survivor this is the way I release the pain and trauma I lived with. It was a hard decision to decide to be as revealing as I am. I know I risk losing family. There are some who are upset that I am coming out. They have not lived it. They are not aware.

Narcissists hide their illness well from those who are not victims. They look normal. They put on a mask. This makes it even harder for abuse victims to be believed. It is all the more reason they are afraid to speak out and reveal their truth. They are afraid it will make them look bad. It made ME look bad.

But I am healing. I am learning the secrets to loving myself now. To respecting myself. Finally, I am beginning to believe that I am an equal in this world and not a servant or a slave to other people. It’s been a long hard road. The journey is not without struggles and pain. Along the way it’s easy to lose people. Harsh realities are revealed. Acceptance is the biggest struggle of all.

If you are a survivor do not be afraid to speak your truth. When you tell your story you gain your own power back. It is YOUR story and you have a right to share it. In telling your story you help someone else find the strength to face their own truth and tell their own story.

This is why I speak of my past. I want to bring awareness and strength to others who have walked this path. They need to know they are not alone. There are many of us, and once we are free most of us are more than happy to offer support to those who need it. Reach out to us.

If you would like to share your story you can email me at shell@empath.educatetheusatoday.com. I will share it here in the blog, or I will keep it to myself, but sometimes just to write your story is to heal. I will listen and I am here.

We are not alone.