Calling On Carla

How in the world do I introduce Carla? A few weeks ago I posted about the names I’ve given my different moods. http://empath.educatetheusatoday.com/who-are-the-survivors/ Carla is the one who is entrusted with my mean negative moods. She’s evil and vindictive.

Naming these moods is a form of disassociation, which is a common coping method for victims of abuse. In my particular case I had to believe I was someone else to deal with these unpopular feelings.

I never felt I was allowed to be angry. It wasn’t permissible for me to feel negative emotions. Perfect people, lovable people didn’t have negative emotions. If I wanted to be loved I couldn’t get angry.

But Carla could. When all those negative emotions built up to a dangerous level I turned things over to her. Shell dissolved into the background and she came to the forefront.

Carla doesn’t care who she hurts. Carla throws things and spits words of fire from her mouth. She is a dragon with evil eyes and a mean spirit. Carla is out to hurt anyone and anything. Nobody is safe.

In normal life I don’t deal with the negative side of things right away. I put them on a shelf back in my psyche. They sit there and fester like a bad sliver. Rather than cause disruption and confrontation in the moment, I walk away and put the irritation aside.

However, the problem with that is that it never goes away. It sits there on the shelf in my mind festering and growing. Each time another incident occurs when I don’t kill it in the moment, another sliver is added to that shelf.

Those negative feelings have to be dealt with sooner or later. If they aren’t released they will explode on their own. This is what happens when it comes time for Carla to come on the scene. All those negatives build and grow until they reach critical mass. They can no longer be contained. Then, something as simple as a pair of socks not folded correctly will be enough to blow the cork.

When the cork blows Carla is unleashed. And heaven help all who are within her range. Her words are vile. She looks to hurt and injure and maim anyone who is around her. Even her dearest loved ones are not safe from her vitriol.

Shell and Carla are one and the same person. That’s part of the healing I’m working on. Shell needs to learn how to deal with these issues at the time they occur instead of letting them build up.

Carla has hurt loved ones with her words and actions. Shell has had to apologize for things she did as Carla. Shell, in her own mind, would never hurt them.

As I work on my healing I hope to be able to put Carla to rest and learn how to incorporate healthy ways to deal with stress and anger into Shell’s personality. Carla doesn’t have to exist. It’s OK for Shell to get angry once in a while. It’s OK for Shell to confront someone who is doing her wrong or hurting her.

So, as my healing journey continues, I hope to combine all of these “other persons” into Shell. I hope to learn how to deal with all these other emotions in a healthy way instead of having to be someone else in my own mind to deal with them.

It’s a long hard journey, but I think I’m doing well. It is my hope that Carla can now be put to rest.

Goodnight Carla.