Meeting Mechelle

She’s timid and quiet, trying to blend into the woodwork so nobody will see her. So many times she was told to be seen but not heard. She felt she had no voice. She lost her individuality. Her name was Mechelle.

In a previous post I explained about my different personalities.  http://empath.educatetheusatoday.com/who-are-the-survivors/ However, Mechelle is actually my birth name. Therefore it seems a good name to give the old me, the child me, the damaged me. Because it was Mechelle who was the damaged one.

Mechelle is the oldest of her siblings. She was the responsible one. The mature one. Her five siblings looked up to her for protection and guidance and she fell into the role easily.

She was also the one who fell under the influence of the narcissistic mother. She was treated as an extension of her mother. Her opinions and preferences went unheard. Over the years she was the one who began to doubt her own self worth.

Mechelle grew up thinking it was her duty to serve others. In all ways, she must always come last. It was her responsibility to ensure others’ happiness, even over her own. She grew up often thinking of herself as a burden to others. She was leery of making friends because she didn’t want to be a bother to them.

Mechelle often felt unworthy of their time and attention. She felt dirty and untouchable. She would frequently shrink away from any physical touch.

Mechelle has a big heart and a strong sense of duty and responsibility. But she also has a lot of pain. Mechelle is the personality who appears when I am around my immediate family. Perhaps this is a side effect of PTSD around them. They are my triggers.

When I am around them I turn back into that girl with no voice. Or if I do find a voice, it is easily used in anger and argument. I can go from mousy silent girl to argumentative teenager in a split second. I don’t listen.

Recently I did an exercise where I had conversations with Little Mechelle.  I went into myself and talked to my five year old self and let her speak. http://empath.educatetheusatoday.com/escape-darkness/ She felt she had no voice.  As a grown up sometimes I still feel that way.

But I am on a healing journey and part of the goal of this journey is to combine all of these people — Mechelle, Shell, Destiny and Carla — into one single personality. I want to put the others to rest. I want Shell to know how to deal with her family, with her anger and with her fun side while remaining herself.

This will require a change of mindset. I have to learn and accept that it’s OK to be human and make mistakes. Being human does not make us unlovable. That’s a hard concept for me to take in. All my life I’ve lived with the impossible task of being perfect so I could be loved.

Mechelle never felt loved. She was never perfect enough. Shell is going to be loved despite being imperfect. She is lovable as herself, in her own skin.

It’s time for Mechelle to grow up.