Stop Pushing!

Have you ever been so locked in the blues it feels like there’s no way out? When life just seems to come at you from all angles with knives and swords and all the sharp weapons it can find, and you feel like a block of butter with no defense? But there are deadlines and responsibilities so you keep pushing forward?

Perhaps this might be what some in spiritual circles will call “the Dark Night Of The Soul”. I’m not sure. What I can tell you is that it is completely miserable.

I’ve been there. When I fell into it I thought I had lost one of my dearest friends. Changes happened where I work putting me into a position that was extremely difficult for me mentally and physically. My health was already a concern and I dealt with pain on a regular basis.

Literally I felt alone, like I was ready to die. I felt like I was buried in a hole with no way to pull myself out. I could look up and see normal people walking around above me. Their lives were so simple and easy. They had no idea I was buried alive six feet under with no way out.

I wasn’t alone. I had friends and family who recognized I was drowning in depression, but they couldn’t help me. They tried. Everyone around tried. The only one who could pull me back out was me. I had to find a way to claw back to the top.

I got out.  But, I can feel myself starting to fall back into that hole again. There’s been a lot going on in my life these last couple years. Pain from arthritis has taken a lot of my daily energy away. My health has fallen backwards in a declining slope which weighs heavily on my chest. I’m chasing deadlines and bills and other responsibilities.

What I haven’t done is take a break! I was talking with my sister the other day and explained how I’m feeling like I’m falling backward. I recognize the symptoms and I refuse to let myself fall back into that black hole of darkness. With awareness I will stay out of it.

But, my sister, with all the clarity of someone who is standing on the outside, hit the nail on the head for me. I have a habit of pushing and pushing past the normal boundary, for just “a little bit more.” Like an almost-empty ketchup bottle, I want to make sure to get that last little drop before throwing it away.

Life isn’t like a ketchup bottle though. That last little drop can kill you. Pushing beyond the boundaries your body sets for you will only cause more health issues, or worse. Pushing too far puts stress and strain on things that were not intended to deal with that much pressure.

And so it is with me. I have pushed and pushed and pushed beyond my body’s boundaries to get that last little ounce of energy. To use it all up and not waste a second of the energy I can muster. This has left me feeling like this is the end. I can’t move one more muscle, or take one more raspy breath as I run toward the fulfilling of my responsibilities.

My sister reminded me that this is not the end. It can only be the end if I don’t pay attention to the signs my body and my heart are sending me. It’s time to take a break and find some time for me. To rest and relax and let the responsibilities slide for just a few minutes.

Because if I don’t take time for myself, if I don’t make time to relax and find some joy in life, I won’t have a life to enjoy. It will kill me.