PTSD Isn’t Just For Military

PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is commonly associated with men and women who have served in the military in stressful situations and environments. Horrible things they witnessed or took part in can cause them to suffer from anxiety, flashbacks, and other symptoms. But there are other experiences that can cause a person to suffer from PTSD. People who have been bullied or abused are subject to PTSD.

PTSD is a silent disease. There are no physical symptoms for others to notice and immediately associate with it. The person suffering it may experience real physical symptoms, but they may not realize the cause. For the afflicted person there is an emotional trigger that sets it off. Any one of the senses can be used to initiate an attack of PTSD depending upon the memory it recalls.

For a soldier it may be anything that sounds like gunfire that will set off the reaction in them. They may lose sight of the present moment and mentally be transported back to the situation which created the painful memory. For an abused person it may be anything else: the smell of a certain cologne, a particular song lyric or maybe even seeing a jacket of a certain color that reminds them of the abuser.

Whatever the trigger, someone with PTSD reverts back mentally to the person they were at the time of the initial instance. It can make a 48 year old woman feel like she is 6 years old again. In her mind she becomes that six year old girl again with all the same feelings and reactions.

My recent visit to my old house where I grew up caused me to suffer an attack of PTSD. I didn’t recognize it at the time but in retrospect it became obvious what was wrong with me. I had severe anxiety before I ever got there, and then again  while I was there. Mentally I was reverting back to myself at a young age.

I was never physically abused that I can recall. I hate to say I was even emotionally abused, although I’ve been told that’s how parts of my childhood would be described. I’ve discussed it a bit with one of my sisters. Instead of emotionally abused, we choose to call it emotionally neglected. Because we were often left stranded emotionally without feeling the love we needed.

My parents DID love us. I need that understood. We knew they loved us. But they were unable to love us in the way that we needed to be loved as children. My parents had messed up childhoods themselves. I believe that showing true affection was awkward for them. They didn’t know how to do it.

That doesn’t change the fact that I grew up always trying to find some kind of attention from my parents. I grew up starving for praise from either of them. It felt fake and unfeeling from one of them and from the other it was too rarely given. I was always in fear of being yelled at for doing something wrong. I was taught to fear authority.

Today I am 48 years old and I suffer PTSD from my younger years. I freeze up when I’m called in to face any authority figure no matter what the reason is. Anticipation fills me with anxiety as I expect to be chastised for something I didn’t know was wrong. I don’t know how to receive praise now, because when it was given before it always came with an exception clause… “I’m proud of your A but why wasn’t it an A+?”

For me authority figures are my triggers. Even though my father is dead and gone for many years, I still fear his disapproval. I still find myself thinking I need my mother’s approval in things that I do, even knowing that I will never receive it. These are my PTSD triggers. Being anywhere near an authority figure will cause me to freeze and get nervous and anxious. I will stutter my words or completely go silent and cower.

Recognizing the triggers is crucial to being able to work at healing. For me, I have to change my association with authority figures. I have to consciously remind myself, he or she is not my parent. Reminding myself that I am a grown 48 year old woman helps. Each of us has to re-associate our triggers with something pleasant. It’s painful. It’s worth it.