I Can’t Blame HIM! He’s Dead!

These last few years, I have been working through a lot of issues stemming from my childhood.  Being raised in a particular manner you don’t know anything different. You are unable to see anything wrong. Now, as an adult, I recognize that some things were harmful to me as a child. It has become apparent that both my parents were instrumental in causing some of my mental issues. But, as I work to resolve my issues I’ve run into a problem: How do you accuse the dead? When someone dies, how can you blame them?

My father died in 1989. I’ll be one of the first to admit my dad was my hero, my idol. I placed him on a pedestal no human could ever reach. Logically I knew he was imperfect but I could never name any of his faults. I believed they were small enough to be insignificant. I refused to place any blame on him for anything.

However, it was easy to blame my mother for all of her faults and failings. As a narcissist her role in my mental illness was definitely a major one. But, I cannot honestly or fairly blame her alone.

It’s hard enough to face the fact that your idol is human and flawed. It’s even harder to blame them when they are dead and not here to defend themselves. This has been the obstacle I’ve run up against at this point in my healing.

As I’ve worked through these ghosts of my past, it was easy to accuse my mother of her sins. Over the years our relationship grew increasingly strained.  It wasn’t until we realized she was a narcissist that I understood why it was so hard to get along with her.  Because I am an empath, it complicated that even more.

Placing blame on my dad is another story. He was the one who solved all my problems for me. He made time to listen if I needed to talk about something. How could I accuse HIM of causing me emotional neglect and damage?

Now, at this point in my healing my inner child, I have to face some very hard truths. Neither parent knew how to express and share love. My parents were damaged themselves emotionally. They each had one selfish, controlling, narcissistic parent in their past. How could they know what healthy emotions were?

As part of my therapy I have to write letters to my parents, pointing out their faults and failings. And I also have to write a second letter trying to understand why they did what they did and forgiving them for not being the parents I wished I had.

This is a hard assignment for me.  I started letters I could not finish.  I cried an entire day trying to come to terms with the fact that my father wasn’t perfect.  These letters will not come easy for me.  But the healing they will bring when I have the courage will be worth the pain.