Dear Diary: Expectations Do Not Equal Reality

Dear Diary, Two months ago I made a huge lifestyle change for my health. Walking away from a job I held for over 17 years, I gave up stability and routine, schedules and pain. As I left, I found I created some expectations of how my new life would be.

In my head I had filled my future hours with painting, writing, spending time watching my roses grow and bloom. There were implied plans to enjoy full days at the park with no time constraints. Of course my husband would need some of my time for things we could do together. Expectations were high.

However, expectations seldom become reality. In my case they didn’t either. I had envisioned a future with minimal pain and responsiblity and a simple life overall. My first few weeks I call my lazy weeks. I wasn’t lazy, but my body needed time to heal from the damage I had done over the years. I did the dishes and I did a little writing. And a lot of sleeping.

As days past I found myself growing restless because I wasn’t really getting much accomplished. I had some good days when the pain was less, but there were many more bad days. Pain reminded me I had not been gentle with my body. My expectations did not include a lot of heavy pain days that kept me stuck to my recliner or bed.

Expectations also did not include feeling disconnected from life. Suddenly I was different from most of the people I knew. They had full lives of routine and schedules. They were busy. I was lost. My life had always been structured. I lived on organization and routine. And now, I was floating adrift on the sea of life with no oar to steer or even a known destination to aim for.

These were my new realities and they didn’t match the expectations I had set before making the change. Life was going on around me and I wasn’t prepared for how it made me feel. People I knew were suddenly too busy for me when I had time for them.

I needed to learn that this was an adjustment. It would take time for me to get acquainted with a new way of living – a slower life. A less stressful life.

I now had the luxury of enjoying as many sunrises and sunsets with Dan as we would watch together. Setting an alarm in the morning helped create a bit of routine. And if I wanted to shut it off, there was no reason I couldn’t.

Cookie is happier we take her for more rides in the car. We watch for squirrels, deer, turkeys and rabbits. She doesn’t understand why we stop and watch the sun rise or set, but she is happy to be with us. I’m learning to focus myself more so I get more out of my day.

Dan and I are getting more time together just to enjoy each other. In 23 years together we’ve never had this much time alone. We are learning about each other again. I hadn’t even considered that in my expectations. My life had been so static and fixed for so long, I couldn’t even imagine what it would mean to slow down and really LIVE life.

I’m glad my reality isn’t what I expected. It’s so much better.