Healing from emotional wounds is a never-ending journey. There are many twists and turns along the way. Thorns and obstacles cross our path. Unexpected potholes to impede our progress appear time and again. Diligently we continue on forward.
How do you know when you have reached your destination? When can you say that you are healed from whatever wound you are working to get through?
For a few years I have been engaged in the task of healing my many emotional wounds and scars. It hasn’t been easy. Nothing worthy ever is easy. Tears flowed like rain some days. I spent an entire day crying after I had to take my father down off the pedestal I put him on. I dried out countless pens writing pages of journal entries pouring out my pain on paper.
Many times I thought healing was done on an emotional wound only to have something trigger it and break it open again. Abandonment has been a significant issue I need to work on. But there are others. Many of them deal with being raised with a narcissistic parent.
Today, because of other family issues I had a long heart to heart talk with my mother, who was the narcissist. I realized, today, that I am healing better than I thought I was. The anger I felt at being treated as insignificant was gone. I saw the shell of a woman who made my life hell. And instead of hating her, I felt sorry for her.
We talked. I raised my voice when emotions got to me. She still has all the narcissistic traits she has always had: gaslighting; skirting around issues that don’t paint her well; refusing to acknowledge actions she needs to apologize for. But today, because of all the work I did on my healing, I recognized the tactics and called her out on them. I showed her in detail what her words were saying to my inner self.
I explained to her that talking over me tells me that I am not important enough to speak. She is telling me my words don’t matter. Her actions told me she didn’t want to listen.
I told her that she has no concept of boundaries. When I gave examples, she had so many excuses and reasons to justify her actions because she still didn’t see where she had done wrong. Today, instead of being frustrated at her inability to understand, I accepted the fact that her mental illness does not allow her to comprehend what I was saying.
There was a time I could not have this talk with my mother. Our emotions were too raw. The pain was too deep. And for her, she could never acknowledge a single fault. It just wasn’t within her ability. But, I didn’t understand that. I needed to hear “Yes, I did that. I am guilty and I am sorry.”
Today, after a lot of words, a lot of heavy emotions, and a lot of tears I realized that I am well on the path to healing. I won’t say that I am completely healed. Can one ever be truly healed? I think we all have wounds to work on throughout our life. But when we are done healing the big wounds, the little ones are so much easier to deal with.
She said the words I needed for healing, but I didn’t feel any different after she did. At that point I knew I was over the pains she dealt. Although I didn’t know it yet, I had already forgiven her.
I have learned enough to see through the barbs in her words and avoid them. She can’t change who she is. I had to recognize and accept that I can’t make her see things from my point of view.
Where will we go from here? I’m not sure. I don’t know if I am ready to let her back into my life fully again. It’s so easy to fall back into old patterns and old ways when the crisis is averted. With our conversation today her immediate emergency is over. Her prodigal daughter has spoken with her again.
Will we heal our relationship now? Only time will tell…
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