The Independent Dependent

I pride myself on being an independent person. I do not trust others so I rely on them as little as possible. It is not beneath me to go without something rather than ask someone else for help if it is impossible for me. In fact, I would probably consider myself stubbornly independent (and my best friends will nod their heads in total agreement).

So it is going to sound crazy when I say that I have a dependent personality. It sounds like a complete oxymoron. How can I be both? Is it even possible?

Yes it is possible. I’m living proof of that. The difference lies in whether I am speaking of my physical needs or my emotional ones. Physically, I take offense if someone tries to help me with something I am capable of. It is a sense of pride for me to be able to do some things. So, if someone else jumps in and offers to help, I feel that I am losing some of my independence if I accept their help.

Emotionally, I am an infant. I am helpless without the love and affection of anyone else. My self-worth relies on someone else loving and caring for me. I am dependent on them telling me what I am worth. If I am rejected by another person, I feel it to the depths of my soul.

These are the issues that I am working to fix in my life. In my studies I have learned that these tendencies developed when I was a newborn and totally dependent upon others for my survival. During this point in my life there were times when my needs were unmet. Perhaps my parents left me crying too long. Maybe I was hungry longer than I thought I should be. (Knowing my penchant for food now, this is most likely!)

A dependent personality often suffers issues with abandonment. He can’t handle losing a person from his life. It brings a peculiar sense of being completely alone. Even in a room filled with people, this person will feel abandoned if he loses someone he attaches to.

I went through this a few years ago when I thought I had lost a best friend. We had complications in our relationship and he left me. We lost touch for a while. He left me completely dejected. I went through a period so dark and deep it was like being buried alive. Somehow, through other loving, trusting friends I came out of it. I swore I would never fall back into that hole again.
It is partly what drives my desire to heal my emotional wounds. I know what people who are suicidal feel like after having been buried in that hell. In my desire to avoid a recurrance I began to study and read about abandonment issues. I discovered that I have a dependent personality.

To heal this, I have to learn to love myself. Instead of depending on others to love me I must learn to accept my own love. I have to learn to love myself as I am without restriction or condition. Instead of equating my self-worth with the affection of another person, I need to realize that I am worthy of my own accord. I don’t need others to validate my worth.

As I age, there will be moments when I will have to accept help from others physically. My body has already begun to give out on me. I haven’t loved myself enough throughout my life to take care of my body either. As a co-dependent, I always put others needs before mine, even when it cost me to do so. Arthritis has taken my ankles. There are days when I am unable to walk without assistance. I will have to be dependent on others to help me sometimes.

But I can learn to be independent emotionally. I will still want and need support from other people. As humans we all do. But I will not depend on it. I will not be crippled without it. When I learn how to heal from my own dependent personality, I will love myself enough to stand on my own emotionally.

Will I still be considered independently dependent?