If She Stays In Her Marriage, Support Her Anyway

Many of us know of someone in an abusive marriage. We watch from the sidelines in amazement wondering why she puts up with the abuse. Often we ask ourselves, and maybe even others around us, “Why does she stay?” (For ease of writing I will use a female victim through this post although men can also be abused spouses.)

When we run into her in the grocery store she can’t talk because she’s on a time schedule. He only gives her an hour to purchase the list of items he wants. Because he limits her funds, she has to be careful what she buys. She has no money of her own unless she hides it. It’s easy to see she lives in fear.

If we see them together he puts on a show of being supportive. With a charming smile, he tells her in front of you that there is no problem if she goes to lunch with you. During lunch you notice she is tense, not really enjoying herself. While she’s eating, she’s watching her time. It’s hard to hold a conversation with her because she’s keeping an eye on her phone, expecting him to call her home.

Everything is fine until she is home away from you. If she’s lucky she only gets a third degree examination on everything you talked about and everything you did. More often, she returns home trembling because he is already waiting at the door for her. She should have declined your lunch invitation. He doesn’t have friends, so neither should she. He tells her she doesn’t deserve friends. Her responsibility is to him, the home, the family. She has no life of her own.

Incidents occur whenever he feels a need to control her. The slightest infraction of “his rules” is cause for the silent treatment. He may lock in her room. Or, alternatively, lock her out of her room. He grows angry and allows the anger to take him over and turn him into an animal with no humanity left within him. There are no guilt feelings from him because she deserved to be treated that way. She didn’t respect his rules, his wishes, his orders.

He demands food but chooses not to like what she cooks. Tossing it away he forces her to cook another meal only to reject that one as well. It is possible he will throw the rejected meal at her, covering her in hot food to demean her. When bedtime comes the issue is still unresolved.

I’ve avoided painting a picture of the physical violence that also can occur. Many are they who leave bruised and bleeding bodies in their wake. Anything can be used as a weapon. A fist, a knife, or anything close and available when the anger level reaches dangerous levels can be raised against her. These situations are painful to see or hear about.

It’s difficult to sit back when you are aware this is happening to someone you know and love. You want to help, but there isn’t anything you can do. Talking with the victim is futile. She is filled with fear of him, and shame for her situation. There is a need to pretend everything is OK. He may have threatened to hurt or kill people she loves if she says anything.

The abuser keeps the victim believing she has no support. He may be correct in that because he has kept her isolated from anyone who may ever help her. Anyone who “disrespects” his authority over her is banned from the house and family. It matters little if it is family or friend – she isn’t allowed to speak with them.

In choosing to love and support the victims through these situations one must know the virtue of patience. The victim may attempt to leave only to return when he pretends to change for her. Outsiders see the truth and understand the pattern and cycle of abuse in their lives, but the victim doesn’t. She wants to believe he can change. He is given another chance. However, he doesn’t see a need to change his behavior because he isn’t doing anything wrong.

The victim’s loved ones endure watching his behavior and maltreatment of her because if they stood up in her defense they would not be allowed to see or speak with her. Silently they stand feeling empathetic pain while he belittles her for forgetting to add a particular spice to the dinner. Or when he calls her stupid for not paying the electric bill even though he hasn’t given her the money to do so.

In order to remain in her life, the victim’s family must wear a false face in his presence. Watching every word spoken so as to not rile the beast, they attempt to carry on normal conversation with the couple. In the back of the mind, there is a fear that something said wrong will cause her to suffer that night once you leave.

The victim may never find the courage to leave. If she does, it may not last long enough to get her out of the situation and he pulls her back in whether by charm or fear. Anyone who chooses to support and help her will find themselves disappointed when all their best efforts are in vain. He pulls the wool over her eyes yet again and yanks her back. The next time around the abuse escalates. She is punished for every attempt to escape.

Some will not have the patience to see her through these attempts to leave. After the second time she returns to him they give up hope of her ever seeing the light of day. They feel their efforts have been in vain trying to help her. She loses yet another important person in her circle of support. It grows ever smaller, making it harder to leave as the abuse increases.

They say it takes about seven attempts before they finally leave. Some never live long enough to attempt it that many times. If they don’t commit suicide they are murdered by their abuser. Or, they reach a breaking point and kill the abuser in cold blood.

Watching helplessly as your loved one is abused and returns to the abuser is one of the hardest things a person can endure. It’s empathetic torture, like watching a horror movie in slow motion with no way to help the victim.

There is little enough support out there for women in domestic violence situations. They need all the support of family and friends they can get. They need to learn again what it means to love and respect yourself. Trust issues are very real because they have learned not to trust anyone. He has poisoned her against anyone who ever showed any attempt to rescue her.

If you know one of these people, woman or man, reach out with patience and understanding. Let them know you will be their friend and a member of a support system. Be prepared to talk them through their bad moments and to listen to their cries for help. Be patient enough to recognize they may never feel safe enough to leave but they have to keep trying until they have the courage.

Just be there. Be patient. Be understanding. Listen with ears open and offer words of love and support. Encourage them to believe in themselves. Have all the numbers of local shelters ready at a moment’s notice so you are ready when they are.

There is a national domestic violence number they can call to get started with healing and moving on to a new safer life.
1−800−799−7233