Forgiveness Isn’t Just For The Confessional

“Bless me Father…” Any good Catholic will automatically say the rest of it in their heads “…for I have sinned.” It is the formal opening lines for the sacrament of Penance. Of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is important for us to move forward in our lives. We have to know that we are forgiven for our deeds if we are sorry for them. It isn’t a one-and-done deal. We are all humans and we all make mistakes in our lives. It is inevitable. However, we do need to be held accountable for our actions.

We also need to be compassionate toward our fellow man when he asks for our forgiveness. If he truly is sorry, realizes the hurt he has caused and is willing to make amends it is up to us to accept the apology, forgive and leave it in the past.

But, to receive forgiveness is not to receive permission to repeat the same mistake again. To continue to offend, sin, make the same mistake, is to choose to repeat those actions willfully. It is this which is the lesson to the person who is done wrong.

Whether we are the sinner or the victim there really is one simple rule – the golden rule we learned from childhood. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. If you don’t want to be hit, don’t hit another. If you don’t want your own car stolen, don’t steal the car of another.

As a woman working on issues from my past I’ve also been working on forgiveness. It’s extremely hard to forgive someone who is confronted with the offenses and yet refuses to acknowledge them despite overwhelming proof. It’s easy to say “I don’t remember doing that” when shown obviously they did it.

But I have learned forgiveness anyway. My abuser still does not take responsibility for her actions. And she probably never will. But that doesn’t stop me from forgiving her. Forgiveness isn’t for her sake. It is for my own sake.

To remain angry, upset and/or hateful will only cause me to feel worse. It can be maddening to see that she is not affected by what she has done to me. However, her attitude will never change and I can’t affect that. I can control my own attitude.

I have forgiven her for my own sake. There is no purpose in holding anger for someone who has no concept of the magnitude of her actions. Like a person with dementia, they know not what they do. It is beyond their ability to understand. And so it is in my case. I can choose to remain angry and upset but it will serve me no purpose.

Or, I can choose forgiveness. I can accept an apology I will never receive for my own health and well-being. When hurt is raw and deep it is hard to forgive because pain blinds us to truth. There is a saying “hurt people hurt people”, meaning that when a person hurts, he also lashes out to hurt someone else, to share his hurt.

No matter how deep the wound is, it can be healed with open hearts, communication and forgiveness. If both parties want to retain the relationship between them, they will make an effort. If, however, one chooses to hold onto the anger and hurt, the other has no recourse but to move on alone and mourn what once was.

Forgiveness and love are the answer to healing and moving forward in our lives. It was a hard lesson for me to have learned and painful in the process. But I know I am a better person for having learned it.