Revisiting the Narcissistic Mother

Last April (2017) I wrote a rather controversial post entitled How Can You Be So Cruel To Your (Narcissist) Mother?. To date it has been my most popular post on this blog. At the time of the writing I was working on dealing with some long standing emotional issues with my mother. I had learned what narcissism was and it seemed her picture should have been right there in the dictionary beside the definition.

I am revisiting that particular post because over the last year I have found healing. That post no longer reflects my personal feelings. My mother is still as she always has been: Self-absorbed. Arrogant. Controlling. Manipulative. Even in her old age, nothing is done or said without ulterior motives. But, through working on my healing, I have learned how to get along much better.

I saw an ad in the paper for a workshop about healing through writing journals. Already a writer, and recognizing I needed emotional healing, I attended the first meeting. That workshop was instrumental in my emotional growth and healing. Eva, the woman who held the workshop, was herself a survivor of multiple types of abuse and a writer as well.

At first it was hard for me to really accept the term “abuse”. After all, a lot of the behaviors that were abusive were things I had grown up with as normal. I knew there was something different, something “wrong” with me, but I didn’t know what it was.

Eva helped me realize that there isn’t anything “wrong” with me. I am not broken or warped or a freak. Most of my issues with my past developed because I was never taught how to set boundaries. Instead I was raised to be an extention of my parents. Individuality was not an option.

When I began the workshops my relationship with my mother had deteriorated to the point where I couldn’t even be in the same room with her without it having a detrimental effect on my physical health. Narcissists have no sense of boundaries. Personal space doesn’t exist to my mother. She smothered me in so many different ways. I literally felt her sucking the breath of life out of me if we were together.

I met with Eva every couple weeks as we worked on my healing. We discovered there are blocked memories in my past. I recognized that my father, who was my personal hero, played a part in the emotional neglect I had suffered as a young girl. As we revisited my past and explored it with an adult point of view healing was taking place.

Over the course of a year I found the animosity I felt toward my mother was slowly dissolving. I still can’t bring myself to say that I love her because I don’t honestly feel it. I limit my interactions with her because she does not accept or understand personal boundaries. When she crosses mine, the interaction is over. Some days I can even carry on a civil conversation with her for a short while.

Will our relationship ever grow to that of a normal mother and daughter? I don’t see that happening. A narcissist generally is unable to change because they are not capable of taking responsibility for their faults. So the unacceptable behaviors will always be there. The difference is in how I handle them.

In going back to the post I wrote last year about going “no contact” with a narcissist, I can’t say that my opinion has changed much. Having a narcissistic parent can be a toxic situation. If I hadn’t put the effort into the workshop, I would still be in the same shoes as I was then. No contact was the only option.

That being said, we only have one set of parents. For better or worse they gave life. There is something to be said for respecting them for what they did do for you. However, if the only way you can avoid disrespecting them is to avoid them, I still recommend it.

That may still sound harsh, but I lived that life. Without the healing, I would still be in a position where the only interaction I had was filled with disrespect. It was better for both of us for me to stay away.

Each situation is different. Avoidance may not be possible, for various reasons. Whatever we do, though, we need to take care of our own needs first. It was in trying to help my physical and emotional health that I found the healing I needed in this particular relationship.

What are your suggestions for dealing with a narcissistic parent?