Love Isn’t Our Needs Or Wants

Is there a perfect description of “love”? Or, do we see love through rose-colored lenses? Is our definition of love based on our needs and wants? When someone is unable to love as expected, can we say he doesn’t love at all?

In my experience when I hear a person use the phrase, “you don’t know what love is” they generally mean “you are not showing me love in the manner I expect it.” A child might expect his mother to give him a cookie before dinner. When she refuses, he tells her she doesn’t love him. We know she loves him. But love, to him at that moment, means receiving the cookie before dinner.

Of course, as we grow up, love is no longer a cookie before dinner. As a teen, love might mean sexual activity. “If you won’t have sex with me, you don’t love me.” In our first long-term relationship love may be one partner doing the dishes when things are busy. “If you loved me you would do dishes while I’m sick.”

Love, in adulthood, has no solid definition. We base love on what we expect from others. I know Dan loves me because he cooks dinner for me regularly. I also recognize that cooking isn’t the only way to show love. A different couple may split this chore, and it would mean nothing special.

“You don’t know what love is.” When someone says it, the intent is to hurt. You hurt me, so I must retaliate. Pain blinds us to a sense of compassion for others. Instead of asking ourselves what motivated the other person’s actions, we jump into retaliation mode. A little understanding might go a long way toward keeping a relationship together.

Romantic partners speak this phrase. Quite often children use it against their parents. Even friends have said it to each other. Love, if it is real, isn’t lost in a moment. It survives this phrase. Love endures through whatever caused the outburst.

However, the pain is still there. Forgiveness seems hard to find lately. The child may forget about the cookie after dinner. But the wife is likely to hold a grudge about unwashed dishes. That wound cut deeper.

And, honestly, those who say “you don’t know what love is,” most often are throwing a tantrum because they didn’t get what was expected. Tantrums should be ignored.