Anyone who has escaped the clutches of an abuser or a narcissist is completely aware of what boundaries are. It was a hard lesson to learn after leaving that ordeal, but an extremely necessary one. Perhaps even without hearing the term “boundaries” most of us already know what they are and have them in place.
A few months ago, I wrote about them in the online newspaper I write for here: https://www.yumpu.com/en/document/view/62985007/december-19-2019-when-i-became-free. I explained what boundaries are, the different kinds of boundaries we might have, and how to set healthy boundaries in our lives.
There are probably thousands of places online to find research on healthy boundaries. Most of them likely repeat the same information in different ways, but they all say the same things. Boundaries are healthy and we should have them and defend them.
But Do We Respect Boundaries?
But, have we considered whether we respect the boundaries of others? We love having our boundaries respected, but it can be an inconvenience to have to respect the boundaries and wishes of other people.
When we say, “please only call me between 7 and 9 A.M.”, we seriously mean we do not want phone calls before 7 A.M. or after 9 A.M. If someone does call us at 9:10 A.M., it’s likely we would feel annoyed and disrespected.
Boundaries are little things that really are the big things. Using the phone call as an example, if someone accidentally calls us outside of our boundary hours, we might forgive them for a one-time mistake. But, what if that same person thinks, “I did it once, and she forgave me. I can do it again.” And so every time he wants to call, he does it at 9:10 because the lines weren’t busy and he knew he could get through.
To continuously ignore the request of the person being called is to intentionally disrespect the boundary he or she had set. By ignoring that boundary you are essentially saying, “I’m more important than you and you need to give me special treatment.”
I’m More Important Than You
None of us like to admit that we feel our lives are more important than anyone else. When we speak or act, we do it through the lens of our own lives. Nobody else knows what is going on in our personal lives, so they can’t have compassion for our bad behavior when we exhibit it. To each of us, our own life IS more important than anyone else. But most people can look past that and have compassion for others.
Someone who doesn’t respect boundaries doesn’t have that compassion for others. They only know how actions will affect them and their own life. Even if it is an inconvenience for someone else, they should get their way.
How many of us have been guilty of that behavior at some point in our lives? Have we ever put our own needs or wants above that of someone else simply because we didn’t WANT to respect a boundary they had set?
I Hate Phone Calls
One of my personal boundaries revolves around phone calls. I hate them. If it’s a quick business call, speak your piece and hang up. If it’s my best friend Kristie calling, I want to talk to her longer so we can catch up on our families. Cousin or aunt or uncle from out of town who I haven’t talked to in six months? Sure! Let’s talk for a while.
Anyone else? Text me. Email me. (I love email. I can attend to those at night when I am more awake and aware.) Even my own siblings will tell you I don’t stay on the phone with them too long. That is a strong boundary I have set to avoid distractions or wasting precious time when I am in the middle of a writing project.
Therefore, if you call me after I have explained all of this to you, you’re going to piss me off. You have disrespected a boundary I set. You have basically said to me, “I don’t care if you don’t want to talk on the phone. I’m more important than your boundary. I am more important than you.”
Respect The Boundaries Of Others
There are other ways we might be disrespecting the boundaries others have set in their lives. One might be allowing pets on the furniture. In my house, Cookie has her own recliner and sleeps in our bed with us. But, I know of other people who will not allow this behavior for various reasons. So, if I go to their house with Cookie, she is not allowed on their furniture. That is their boundary and I respect that. In my house, their pets are allowed to share space on my furniture.
A good example might be in the raising of children. Every parent sets rules for their children for good reason. Sandy might have a peanut allergy, so her parents don’t allow her to eat at other people’s homes or go places where her life might be in danger.
Well-meaning neighbors who tricked her parents and took her to go to dinner with them because they thought she never got to go out to eat could potentially kill her. A grandparent giving a grandchild soda despite the parents’ explicit instructions not to has crossed a boundary.
We may not like the boundaries other people have set in their lives. Nor may we understand why they set those boundaries. None of that is important.
What is important is that we respect their boundaries, ask forgiveness if we accidentally cross a boundary, and express our desire not to cross that boundary again. If we don’t, we may find that person cutting us off from their lives. If we can’t respect even a little boundary, can we be trusted to respect a big boundary?
Do YOU respect the boundaries of others?