Stop Breaking Your Own Heart

I started this blog with the concept of writing about topics relevant to empaths, writers and women. Because I fall into all three categories, I feel I am qualified to write about these. While geared toward women, there are topics men will identify with also. This post may be one of them, but I write it for the many women in my life who have asked me the same question: “Why do I keep taking him back? How do I stop?”

Each case is different in the details, but all the same in the concept. A woman, we’ll call her Jane, has had only self-centered, selfish men in her past. She was looking for that special connection. She wanted, needed, to be loved and supported.

Enter Mr. Wonderful

Enter Mr. Wonderful, John. With a charming smile and a willing ear, he listened to her story of woe and unhappiness. She was convinced he would change her world and knock her socks off. However, the reality was not what she expected.

In the beginning, he was perfect. Phone calls, texts, and meetings were frequent and sexy. Very attentive, John showered her with gifts, candy and moonlit nights. Jane was addicted. He had her hook, line, and sinker.

However, his true self made an appearance, and the mask falls off. John has her in his grasp and knows she isn’t going anywhere. Phone silences become a thing. Arguments begin to appear, but she justifies his behavior and forgives him. Suspicions creep into her head. What if there’s someone else?

With a little snooping, Jane discovers her fears may have validity. While she’s watching her phone for a message or a call, he isn’t missing her. When she confronts him, John soothes her with the words she wants to hear. He still loves her; he’s just busy. Her heart leaps, beating happily, while her brain is sending out warning signals.

For a week or two, he makes it up to her. Every morning John greets her with a text expressing his love. Every night he wishes her sweet dreams. He knows there’s a chance of losing her, so he tosses out the bait to reel her in again. She falls head over heels once more.

Short-lived Honeymoon

But, this honeymoon phase is short-lived. John is busy again. She excuses the unexplained absences. She justifies the shortened texts and missed phone calls. When Jane begins to talk to her friends hoping for understanding, her friends tell her to take a break and work on herself. They suggest that she stop calling and texting. Give him a chance to miss her. They know what he’s up to, but Jane isn’t ready to face the truth.

Weeks turn into months with the cycle repeating over and over. There are other women, but Jane gives him one chance after another. She can’t stop taking him back. She breaks her own heart in doing so, but she lets him back in again. Friends patiently try to paint an honest picture for her. She shakes her head in disbelief. John couldn’t be so cruel.

Finally, Jane comes to terms with the truth. She can no longer deny what has been right before her eyes. John doesn’t love or respect her. She has been convenient. While he was a priority for her, she was an afterthought for him.

“Why Can’t I Stop Taking Him Back?”

“Jane” stands for many women. This story isn’t new or different. Jane’s case isn’t unique, although it is in her mind. Neither is “John” different from many men one might encounter.

“Why can’t I stop taking him back?” Jane, alone, can answer that question for herself. Broken down into the basic form, Jane has low self-esteem. She doesn’t feel worthy of anyone else. He can’t stop breaking her heart, because he isn’t doing it. She is.

If this story is you, take my words to heart. Your friends were right. Give him space. Take time for yourself. If he honestly loves you, he will happily wait six months or a year while you gather your strength. He will want you to do what is best for you.

Take Back Your Power

Tell him it’s over. Explain that you need to take time for yourself. Tell him to give you six months. Even better, tell him you will check back with him when you find yourself. Then, choose a friend who will help you and text or call her when you would otherwise contact him. Refuse to answer his calls and texts.

Of course, it won’t be easy. In the beginning, weak moments will come often. It will be tempting to give in, just this one time. The man will try to win you back again. He will say all the right things in just the right way. But, you can be strong. You don’t need him.

Stop breaking your own heart. Take the time to learn how to love yourself. You ARE worthy, and you must believe it. Take back your power and control. Take charge of your future.

You CAN do it.