Changes

(Photo credit: Donna Morris)

Confusion reigns supreme here sometimes. I know my blog posts are all over the place as far as content goes. Writing. Empathy. Abuse. Animals. Work. Time. There will probably be many more different topics. What they have in common is me. They are all important to my life, important enough for me to write about them.  There are so many changes in my life.  I’m only now finding the courage to share the experiences with other people.  To write about them where others can read of them.
These posts paint a picture of me, of who I am, what I believe. Maybe in writing these out I can learn who I am. Tonight I don’t know who I am. Tonight I don’t recognize my own feelings. Are they mine? I can’t even tell that.
I feel alone tonight. I’m not alone. My husband Dan is snoring quietly beside me after having suffered an awful migraine and shingles to boot. He is feeling rather rough at the moment which is so completely understandable. I’m more than happy to help him, to try to make him more comfortable and ease his pain. It takes my mind off of my own.
I’m in the middle of some kind of changes right now. I don’t know what it is. I can sense it with my intuition. I can feel it in the wind. There’s a feeling in the air around me. Or is it all in my head? Some days it’s hard to tell if maybe I’m just on the edge of insanity, waiting to fall into the abyss.
Important people are being brought into my life. Support people. There’s a nurse from work who has been an amazing influence in trying to help me get my health where it should be. I’m so grateful for her friendship. There’s a new woman in my life, another writer and an abuse survivor, AND an empath. It’s no coincidence we met right at this point in my life. She has a big role to play in my life yet. I know it. And there is a different friend, who has gone through some hardships of his own, who has become an important part of my life at this moment.
Standing back to look at the big picture I see all around the edges. I can see things falling into place, but I can’t see the big event in the middle that these people are all in place to attend. I am finding my role in this world as an empathic healer and a writer. This I know for certain. Am I on the edge of big changes that require that much support? I can only wonder until the truth is revealed.
Tonight I feel very alone. These people are all poised to be there for me. I could text, call, or email any of the above and have instant connection with someone who would try his or her best to put my mind at ease, to make me feel less alone. But I think their efforts would be in vain. This feeling of being alone has less to do with other people and more to do with my own self I think.
I am feeling alone because I’m not feeling me. I’m not in touch with me. I don’t understand me. And so my constant companion, my inner self, has deserted me at least for the moment. I am just a shell of my full self. Until I understand the insane emotions I’m dealing with, I expect I will continue to feel alone. You can’t put a square in a round hole. In the same way you can’t fill an emptiness with something that doesn’t fit. I’m looking for a particularly shaped filling for this particular emptiness
I need to find ME