Dear Diary March 29, 2018

Thursday March 29, 2018
Dear Diary,
Today starts a new stage of life for me. The place that served almost as a second home to me for the last seventeen plus years is no longer home. I severed ties yesterday because of the physical pain it was causing me. I quit my factory job yesterday. The crippling pain it was causing me was more than I could handle anymore.

This was a very difficult decision for me. For over seventeen years I had a routine. I had a sense of responsibility to someone, someplace else other than myself. Someone else had claims to my time and my life. In return they cut a paycheck for me every other week. My time for their money.

For the last year or more my weeks of work were followed by weekends of recovery and an inability to live life. Osteoarthritis in the ankles is a hell of a way to try to get through life. Four nights a week standing and walking on concrete for ten to twelve hours shifts was too much for three day weekends to recover from.

Earlier this year my husband and I talked things through. We both realized I couldn’t keep living this way. Pain had progressed to the point I couldn’t get out of the vehicle on my own in the morning after work, and he needed to come out and walk me into the house. Two hours of pain spasms preceeded my exhausted sleep that finally would come. That night I started the cycle all over again.

Within the last six months I couldn’t even muster enough energy on the weekends to spend my time doing the things I love to do … writing and painting. Most of my days were spent sitting in the recliner cradling my Cookie dog. Walking to a different room was a challenge without my walking cane.

I was facing the fact that if I kept on going as I was my life would end this way, and probably earlier than it should have. Arthritis has begun now also in my left knee. How much more pain would that have brought on, especially when subjected to overnight torture?

This decision has caused me some sleepless nights. I am a pretty independent woman who doesn’t like to rely on anyone. Not even my loving husband. I know he enjoys taking care of me, and vice versa. But now I will be solely relying on him. My hands are tied at the moment. I expect it will take a good month or more to recover from the long term damage my job had on my joints.

Many people have asked me what I will do now. What will fill my days and my hours? Truly, I’m not sure I have answers. I have things I want to do. I want to write, to spend time on my artwork, to learn photography, to read and to study and to learn new things. But, I also want to take this time to use my life to change the world. This might be my opening to find my personal calling in life and make the difference in this world that only I can make.

This whole lifestyle change is a humbling experience for me. I’m nervous. I’m excited and afraid at the same time. And, I think I’m ready. Whatever life sends me, I anticipate having more energy to take it on and tackle it. I’ve always been a survivor. Let life begin…