Love Isn’t Lust and Roses

I’ve written as a writer and an empath.  Today I write as a woman and a wife.  Today I want to give praise to a man who has stuck with me through the hard times and the struggles.  I want the world to know it’s worth following your heart and not giving up when things are bleak.  It’s worth it to hold onto love.

Sometimes things happen and we are left wondering why they occurred. Plans fall through. Unexpected disappointments show up in our lives. Accidents or injuries create problems or chaos. We ask, “Why me?” The answer becomes obvious years down the road when we look back and reflect upon these things. But, in the moment we are confused and upset.

Sometimes we aren’t the ones questioning the events, but rather those around us. We know what we are doing but everyone else is looking at us like we have lost our minds. Or that we have no idea what we are getting ourselves into. Sometimes they are right. Sometimes they aren’t.

I’ve been with my husband since 1995. I know some people will say there’s no such thing as love at first sight. It’s not true because in my case it was. When I returned home to my apartment the night we met, I talked to the sister who was living with me, I told her I had met the man I was going to marry. She thought I had lost my mind.

So had so many other people who knew us. I was an innocent 25 year old. He was 19 years older. More experienced. Divorced with 3 boys the same age as me. My coworkers couldn’t wait to talk behind my back. I heard all the stories of how he was bad news. He wasn’t worth the shoes on his feet. They all said he was going to hurt me.

I was hesitant to bring him home as my boyfriend. My mother had always made fun of all of us for having an interest in anyone of the opposite sex. That sticks with you. Since my apartment was downstairs from my mother’s it was hard to keep my daily activities secret. I began to stay at Dan’s until 5 in the morning and then make sure I was back in my own apartment before my mother woke up so she didn’t know I was spending the night with him.

Six years later we were married. It wasn’t a big wedding. In fact, it was a secret wedding. My mother had been so disapproving of him that I didn’t want my family to know. Dan is a quiet introverted person too, so running away to get married suited us both just fine. We didn’t want a huge deal. Unfortunately someone who knew my sister happened to be there and witnessed it … and told my sister he watched us get married.

His family was happy. Mine was upset. My mother said “he is poor husband material.” It was disappointing that my family couldn’t be happy for me. They couldn’t accept him for the fact that he made ME happy.

Throughout the years Dan and I have had ups and downs as most couples do. We’ve had some major heartaches. Chaos reigns supreme in our lives. Hard moments and obstacles tried to separate us, but we held strong. Together we pushed through and came out on top of whatever tried to break us. Throughout it all were those who told me to leave him. They said he was only bringing me down. I don’t know if he had people telling him the same thing.

What I do know, is that we stuck it out and stayed through it all. For good and for bad. For better and for worse. In richer (when????) and in poorer (all the time!!). When I got upset and worried, he pulled me into his arms and held me. He told me it would be OK and we would find our way through it. And we always did.

Through serious health issues we’ve worried each other. Fear of losing each other is always in the backs of our minds. It’s a possibility for every couple, yet when health issues are more major it is more visible. He went through a particularly rough period when he needed nursing and care. I was glad to be able to hold his hand and pull him through it.

Now, it’s my turn. Arthritis has me crippled up. Walking is a chore and I need help. He is so patient with me, holding me up and being my ankles when mine won’t work. He will bring me things I need instead of making me struggle to get them myself. Dan has even rearranged things in the house for me when they are hard for me to move around. He has been amazing.

I look back now on all those times when things were hard and when I wondered how we would get through them. There were moments when I had doubts if we would make it, or if one of us would leave and call it over. I remember all the people who told me he wasn’t worth it. That he was worthless. I thank God I didn’t listen to them.

I have been blessed. Love isn’t all lust and roses. Love, true love, is being there when the chips are down and it’s not easy. True love is holding the hand of the man who just scolded you for forgetting yet again to do something he has told you to do over and over again for the last 20 years. For me, love is holding the hand of the man helping me cross the living room without crawling on my hands and knees.

Love is sticking it out through the hard times and rejoicing through the good times. No matter what anyone else has to say, love means being there and not giving up just because there are struggles and trials and a little pain.